Could you please give me feedback about my essay
leadership and influence essay for chevening
Chevening is looking for individuals who will be future leaders or influencers in their home countries. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your own leadership and influencing skills to support your answer.
(minimum word count: 100 words, maximum word count: 500 words
In my second year at university, I became a founding member of an internationally recognized humanitarian club, the club aims to spread peace in the world. Working as treasurer and executive member for two terms, I had the opportunity to manage thirty people, which allowed me to create an environment conducive to moments of exchange and to ensure a better transmission of knowledge so my main goal was to improve my attitude by being a responsible person, trustworthy and free my skills.
We organized fundraising event, a fashion show for children with Syndrome of Trisomy 21, from which the winnings will be added for them. For that, my team and I had as main mission the creation of this event. In this case, we have created a digital communication strategy, aimed at sensitizing Tunisian citizens to contribute to our collection. Being leader of this action not only taught me how to manage a significant number of people working for the same cause, but also learned to communicate with professionals such as business leaders. This action was a national success thanks to sharing ideas and making collective decisions. While I was the leader of the action, teamwork and goodwill among the members were key to this success.
In addition to my extra-scholar activities, what helped me get a better idea of the true meaning of leadership is my professional experience. I did not have a lot of experience when I started working, and I was also the youngest on the team working on mergers and acquisitions transactions. At that time, I needed to overcome my shyness, get out of my comfort zone and be more responsible. There is a woman who inspired me and it's my boss in my internship. She was a strong woman, respected by all members of the company, even her bosses and clients, she was for me the definition of a true leader.
The main reason I apply for this program is that my studies in the UK have always been my dream. It houses most of the best colleges and presents the kind of multicultural environment and ancient history that I would like to know. In addition, I still have a long way to go to become a better leader, but I look forward to being the best of me for those who trust me. I think the Chevening Scholarship is the solution for the future young leader like me who hopes to meet other great leaders from around the world.
First I think you should be very proud of what you've accomplished; it's difficult to find things to write about, but with the experiences you describe here I can see you'll have no problem with that.
However, I think you wrote phrases that are too complicated for what you're describing:
...allowed me to create an environment conducive to moments of exchange...
...ensure a better transmission of knowledge...
Being leader of this action...
Especially here where the word 'action' hardly takes an effect on the phrase.
...thanks to sharing ideas and making collective decisions...
There is a woman who inspired me and it's my boss in my internship.
How about... 'My boss was the woman who inspired me to change.'
Show how you created a place for conversation, how you transmited knowledge, what collective decisions were made to get you there. Less is more in these essays: instead of using verbs like "allowed me to create", say "created".
I mention this because cutting filler words makes for fluid writing, and more words for you to use.
Other details I noticed:
In my second year at university, I became a founding member of an internationally recognized humanitarian club the club that aims to spread peace in the world
We organized fundraising event, a fashion show for children with Syndrome of Trisomy 21, from which the winnings will be added for them.
Overall, you have things to talk about. That's hard already. But the structure of your essay is lacking. You wouldn't want the way you present these achievements to be a detriment, so I advise you to read again. Edit out the words that are restating things mentioned before, words that don't add much to the paragraph. And with the spare words, dive into the people that inspired you, the actions you took and why you deserve this scholarship more than others.
