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I've been living in a bungalow my whole life - influenced environment

Martin101 2  
Aug 10, 2017   #1
*Application essay topic A. Irish so will be applying as international student. Total word count: 505*

What was the environment you were raised? Describe your family and explain how the shaped you today

my attitude has changed

For my whole life I have been living in a bungalow in the beautiful Irish countryside with my father, mother and younger sister. When I was born, I became the last millennial child of my whole family and shortly after my birth my mother quit her job to raise me. I was age six when my sister was born. This was a happy time for the whole family. I was so excited to have someone to play with, and to this day my sister and I get along great. My mother was never able to get her job back, or any job for that matter as with only a secondary school education (high school), employment was hard to come by. This put a strain on my father (also with only secondary school education), who would constantly work overtime to try and keep our family afloat. As a child, I never noticed any of our financial problems, which weren't helped by the world recession. For all I knew we were just like any other family. When I reached secondary school I became more aware of my family's financial constraints.

In secondary school, while I found great friends to hang out with, I always felt left out of conversations such as talk about new phones or going on holidays to far flung corners of the earth. I had never been on a plane so I would always try to either change the topic of conversation or try to side step questions on the topic to avoid embarrassment.

It didn't take me long to realise that what I was doing was wrong and cowardly. My parents did everything they could for my sister and I to have the best lives possible and I am certain that they will continue to help and guide us in everything we do in our lives. It was this taught that made me change my attitude. My family shaped who I am today with their help and guidance through all the difficult times we have been through, and I believe that they will continue to mold me into a harder worker and even better person (because no one's perfect, right?).

I am now entering my final year (12th grade) of secondary school and I am going to be giving up my lunch times for the academic year as a mentor so I can help and guide the new students who have come to our school. I hope I can support them and be there in a time of need, just as my parents were, and still are, for me. I still haven't been on a plane, and I have the same phone that I had four years ago, but that's not going to stop me from working hard to reach my dream of become a financial advisor so that I can help other people provide for their families, and so I can help my own children be as hard working and as caring as my parents have thought, and shaped me to be.
Holt [Contributor] 1543  
Aug 11, 2017   #2
Martin, the story that you shared is very informative and portrays the family and school community that you were raised in. However, there was very little in terms of character development on your end that was represented in the essay. The way you describe yourself to the reader, as the story progresses, is almost superficial in terms. What the reviewer needs is an in-depth look at one particular side of your personality, the one that had the most impact upon your character development as a person, so that he can tell what kind of possible student you will be at UT and if you will blend well into their international community of students.

In my opinion, it would be better if you just focus on one aspect of the suggested essay discussion topics. I think you were confused a bit and thought that you had to discuss all 3 when in reality, you just had to choose and develop one topic for the essay. That will not only reduce your word count, but also allow you to better represent the evolution of your character development within this written interview.
OP Martin101 2  
Aug 11, 2017   #3
Thanks for the feedback.
OP Martin101 2  
Aug 11, 2017   #4
Is there anything I can hang onto and keep in the essay?
Thanks again.
Aug 12, 2017   #5
Martin, your essay gives me a sense of power, I really appreciate your essay. However, I think something is missing before your change in the essay. Now I want to show my confusion to you. Maybe you didn't depict what is the real thing to change you, I mean why you suddenly realize your parents hardness? Was there something special event happened or had you noticed something which was omitted by you before? I believe that if you add more detail will make your essay better. By the way, I think the advice from Holt should be considered too.
tunglinh0907 3  
Aug 12, 2017   #6
Hi, I personally think your essay is good. However, there are a few grammar mistakes in your essay such as "I was six" instead of " I was age six".

Additionally, It would be better if your tell how meaningful your family are with you ? More details about how they helped you to change and after that what you have realized ?

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