MasterCard Foundation Scholarship at University of Edinburgh about a chosen program

The degree programme choice

We want to ensure your time at the University of Edinburgh benefits others in the future. Tell us how your choice of the degree programme will assist you to make the change you envisage.

MSc Finance, Technology and Policy are the three most important drivers of a modern economy. It is a programme based on a solid foundation in core principles and a common basis of knowledge across the different areas necessary for solving real problems and induce entrepreneurship and economic innovation.

The knowledge gained from financial economics will give me insights and perspectives on how to help small business owners to raise money to expand and manage their businesses. I also look forward to bringing small investors to invest their retirements into small businesses thereby creating jobs and increase the productivity of the society. This initiative will promote entrepreneurship, financial education, alleviates poverty in the community. My aim is to develop this idea into investment programs such as Dragons' Den in the UK, Canada and the Sharks in the US.

In addition, I think finance and technology and policy is a perfect combination for me to realise my dream of creating the first fintech start-up company of its kind in the Gambia that makes payment easy for small business owners and challenges the traditional banking system. I aim is to facilitate the payment system in the Gambia just like in Kenya where fintech space has recorded impressive growth in recent years. The Gambia is among the highest unbanked populations in Africa. Services of this kind will facilitate payment for about 20% to 25% of the population who are farmers and small businesses owners.

Hi, I recommend you to re-check grammar, some corrections:
MSc Finance, Technology and Policy, as you are not talking about the master itlsef when you say "are the three most important drivers"
for me to realise my dream... achieve would fit better
I aim... My aim

I would recommend you to be more specific with your plans in the future and somehow related with you´re present and past experiences. Maybe you could relate the goals you are mentioning with a professional experience you are having, a personal situation or academic activity where you were involved. You say that your dream is to create the first fintech star-up, but why is this you´re dream? How it appeared? why? Did you already do something to achieve this goal? . Be more specific and detailed.

The essay will be better served if you combine the first sentence with the second paragraph references instead. The opening paragraph, as it is currently presented does not help move the essay forward. It is not very relevant in terms of developing your prompt response. Using the second paragraph as the opening paragraph will work better. Yes, the word count will be reduced, but that is alright. You want to deliver an effective and clear response instead of the maximum word count. The rest of the essay is actually acceptable and effective enough to get your ideas across to the reviewer. It makes sense and that, is what really matters in this type of response. The proof that you have an in-depth understanding of what you want to do with your career after you graduate.