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Nursing Scholarship of A Lifetime - Service and Need Based



Haikugram 1 / -  
May 8, 2012   #1
Essay # 1 - How will you contribute to the missions of the Nursing Scholarship Program in providing care to under served communities?

I'm a novitiate of the Bachelor's of Science - Nursing program of West Coast University to be a dynamic answer to the complex network of problems that plague the under served communities of Mid City Los Angeles. I've experienced the challenges and obstacles of where my next meal will come from, absence of a safe place to rest and study, and eluding the persistent recruitment of gangs involved in crime and violence. I sought healthy outlets like LA Bridges after-school program for tutoring. My high energy needed to be put towards positive feats like defending the touchdown zone for Dorsey High School varsity football team and documenting the creative endeavors of the student body as Historian. I attended elementary, middle, and high school in this community and each year as I culminated, many of my friends vanished instead of moving to the next level beside me. Here passion to contribute to a resolution for the problems of poor attendance, nutrition, and scholarship burgeoned. I miss them and still think about how they helped me persevere through the abusive atmosphere at home.

Innate ability to emotionally invest in others, educational development, and an obsession with human anatomy and physiology culminated into a desire to be a multifaceted resolution for my environment or simply, a nurse! Nurses spend the most time with doctors and patients! I've enjoyed learning the variety of vocational skills like recording vital signs to most accurately follow the progress of the patient. Or the responsibility of measuring the effectiveness of drug therapy is similar to editing a publication as when I was historian. To work beside doctors and assist in finding and securing the best possible outcome for each individual is so rewarding especially, when you witness the joy and relief of the families as they discharge and take their loved ones home for the greatest kinds of medicine.

Avidly, I will pursue the bachelor's degree of science in nursing and I will not stop there. I intend to go on to pursue a master's degree and become a nurse anesthetist or practitioner so as to expand the scope of my practice and achieve the greatest initiative for servitude my community. I will return to the south central region of Los Angeles and I will directly influence the success of it's residents. I would also like to spend some time serving the rural populations of central California where I could gain invaluable experience and higher affinity for nature while providing the diverse set of services only a specialist can.

My desire to enter the field of nursing has evolved and will continue to do so as I've assisted professional health care providers and occupational/physical therapist in the nursing home and my dentist office observing the installation of bolus feeding tubes or catheters along with the wide and ever revolutionizing range of procedures nurses must acquire alongside with the innovations in medicine today.

Hyperactive thyroid and proneness to anaphylaxis has fostered substantial compassion and sensitivity for what people in need of high quality services are experiencing, as well as a profound respect and admiration for the critical thinking and problem solving talents professionals in field must apply. From 2006 to 2008, I was hospitalized more than ten times for extreme allergic reactions to triggers which remain unknown, my physicians prescribed antihistamines but the nurses were by my side virtually all times after my admission. Through the practice of nursing I can be an affirmative thorough impact on the lives of those whom I serve, as I known in my own life from my allergist and the teams of nurses who helped me. I will never stop working to be a revered, loved member of the community, because I know the job of a nurse is continuous. My commitment to service will span my entire life, because I want to be there for the community that raised me, for the next me, and for the me after that!

Hyperactive thyroid and proneness to anaphylaxis has fostered substantial compassion and sensitivity for what people in need of high quality services are experiencing, as well as a profound respect and admiration for the critical thinking and problem solving talents professionals of that field must apply. From 2006 to 2008, I was hospitalized more than ten times for extreme allergic reactions to triggers which remain unknown, my physicians prescribed antihistamines but the nurses were by my side virtually all times after my admission. Through the practice of nursing I can be an affirmative thorough impact on the lives of those whom I serve, as I've known in my own life from my allergist and the teams of nurses who helped me. I will never stop working to be a revered, loved member of the community, because I know the job of a nurse is continuous. My commitment to service will span my entire life, because I want to be there for the community that raised me, and the next me, and the me after that!

Phineas - / 1  
May 10, 2012   #2
First, the positives. You structured your essay around the central theme of enthusiasm. Your experiences have brought you a profound sense of direction, which you articulate throughout the essay in different manners and examples. Someone who is pursuing a career in nursing will need that, therefore, nursing scholarships will be looking for this theme in submissions. I liked how you tied in the personal, medical event with your allergies and subsequent hospitalization. I liked how you stated that your desires have evolved within nursing. That shows the interests you've held can become more personalized as you find your niche within the framework of medicine, which is to be desired in a nurse - versatility. I suggest keeping these themes or expound upon them.

The negatives. Your sentences were difficult to read and at times felt disjointed. I do not have a Masters Degree in English, but there may be some syntax errors. Your paper comes across as a list of superlative vocabulary words that you designed your sentences around, for example:

"novitiate of the BSN" - novitiate is a word most used for someone who is beginning a religious studies program. I would say something more like, "first/second year student". I would also consider breaking this sentence into at least two sentences. You present three distinct subjects in this opening sentence. I would begin with who you are "... student at .... studying ... " Then "This would be a dynamic answer to ...."

"greatest initiative for servitude my community" - Wow. Where do I begin. Initiative is a noun, but you use it as a verb. "promotion of service within my community". The entire sentence is a run-on itself. I intend to go on to pursue a master's degree and become a nurse anesthetist or practitioner so as to expand the scope of my practice and achieve the greatest initiative for servitude my community . Should be revised to say something like: "I intend to pursue/matriculate a masters...to expand my skills further." Then continue the thought "To which end, I can.... my community".

That's a general theme in your essay. Look for sentences that carry on with two or more ideas/topics and break them down into a simpler sentence. My English professor always said that the smartest people use the fewest words to communicate their ideas.

Good Luck!

Benjamin


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