The Essay subject is: We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit).
Please help with any criticism, positive or negative! This scholasrship is really important to me so I really need the best essay possible. Dont sugarcoat comments please! Thank you so much!
Smiling, I felt the last bite of the juicy sirloin making its way down my throat. Ahh, culinary perfection. "What do you want for dessert?" My mom asked, interrupting my blissful meditation. "Umm... excuse me?" I stuttered, not believing my ears. I was in awe- not only had we ordered our own plates of food, but we were ordering dessert too! Had we just won the lottery? The only time my mom and I ordered dessert was on birthdays and holidays. Today was neither. I looked up into my mom's weary light-brown eyes; I watched her bittersweet smile. "Just in case I die on Friday" she said, chuckling, trying to play off her comment as a joke. But I knew there was some truth behind it. I laughed nervously, feeling my excitement for dessert deflate. "Mom" I said, avoiding eye contact, "Don't be silly!" Hopefully she couldn't detect the terror in my eyes.
Turns out, my mom's boss had given us a $50 Restaurant gift card to celebrate the fact that we were finally permanent residents. No longer did my mom and I have to sit in the scorching Florida heat waiting for the city bus; my mom could finally get her license again! No longer did I have to live with the fact that someone had gotten murdered in our apartment complex; we could finally live in a safer place! Best of all, no longer did I have to wonder how my family had changed since I last saw them seven years ago; I could finally visit Peru- and actually come back. Life was great...until my mom's doctor told her she had a tumor on her left kidney that was probably cancer.
The night before her kidney surgery, I prepared like I prepare for big tests, except instead of studying a text book all night, I studied a bible. I finally understood what C.S. Lewis meant by "Pain is God's megaphone". Even though I was extremely worried, I felt a strange sense of serenity as I felt myself getting closer to God. The day of the surgery, as I sat in the waiting room by myself, I couldn't help thinking of the delicious strawberry cheesecake my mom and I had shared two days ago. I could still taste the succulent custard. Was that the last dessert I'd ever be able to share with her? I thought about all the wonderful "culinary" experiences we had shared in the past. I smiled, remembering our old Friday night traditions of my childhood, back when we lived in the first apartment we rented in the U.S. While many people would probably think of a one-bedroom apartment as a sign of poverty, I didn't mind- in fact I found it cozy and comforting. Plus, it was an improvement from the tiny room we used to rent from my aunt. Every Friday, we'd walk one block from the apartment to eat at the "four-chicken corner", where we chose from Boston Market, McDonalds, Church's Chicken, or Taco Bell. We were the epitome of the saying "Ignorance is bliss" as we devoured greasy chicken, french fries, and soda; happily unaware of the consequences of our fatty meals. However, we never ordered dessert. Afterward, we'd walk to the K-Mart across the street. If my mom was feeling generous, she'd let me pick out a book. If not, she'd browse the store, making herself believe that rapidly walking around a few isles would somehow erase the calories she'd just consumed. Meanwhile, I sat in the book section, devouring as much knowledge as I could. Thanks to K-Mart I learned how tornadoes form, the role of enzymes in our digestive system, who the Virginia Dynasty presidents were, and a myriad other things. Of course, it has been years since we've done this, we stopped eating junk food after, not surprisingly, my mom's cholesterol levels skyrocketed.
As I relived some more wonderful memories, I heard someone clearing his throat. I looked up to see my mom being wheeled out of the O.R., unconscious, her lips unnaturally white. I tensed up. "Is she okay? What's wrong with her?" I demanded. The Doctor chuckled. He actually chuckled. "She's fine; she's just lost a lot of blood. The good news is, it's not cancer!" Little did the doctor know the last sentence he had just uttered would forever be embedded in my head as the best moment of my life. The joy I felt was inexplicable, overpowering. A month later, I saved up money by making and selling jewelry, and I treated my mom to dinner. At the end of the meal, we ordered a decadent Key-lime pie. Now every time we eat out and we're not too full, we order dessert. Not because it's a special occasion, but because we just want to.
I was in awe. N ot only had we ordered our own plates...
We were the epitome of the saying "Ignorance is bliss" as we devoured greasy chicken, french fries, and soda, happily unaware of the...
However, we never ordered dessert. (It sounds a little awkward right after the last sentence. Maybe another transition or something added to it like "After the meals, however, we never ordered dessert. Instead, we'd walk to the K-mart...")
Overall I think its a great story, but one thing I feel it was missing was the last part of the prompt "How have these factors caused you to grow?" You definitely have the first part, "describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations," but I can't really pick out an analysis of how this event changed you as a person. If you can include this is a thoughtful, intelligent way this'll be a great essay. By the looks of how you presented the rest of the essay, I think it shouldn't be too difficult for you.
Hope I've helped! Good luck with your scholarship you seem like a very deserving person!
