"My passion for technology in Africa" We want to hear what excites you MasterCard scholarship

kindly review the essay and give me some advice on how i can further improve on it. I have a feeling the essay is badly written and constructive criticism will really help me work on my next draft.

Question:

We want to hear what excites you and what you are passionate about. Please write about a topic that is important to you and how this reflects your personal values

Answer:

Mixing Biology And Technology

A strong sense of purpose has been the driving force behind my determination. I had a preconceived notion that purpose was something could only be found and not created. I ignored what I was truly passionate about in search of something that would help me fit into my society. Realizing the impact that I aim to have on my community and how the use of innovative technology can help me achieve this, gave me the courage to overcame the urge to fit in. I pursued my passion for computer programming and even went as far as teaching myself how to program computers. Living in Africa, every challenge I see around me reminds me of the quote "Every problem is an opportunity in disguise". I am amazed at just how much programming has evolved my mindset. I see so much opportunity around me and I am constantly thinking of ways to use my skills to solve these challenges.

My main focus lies in the joining of technology and biology. I am really optimistic about how effective use of technology will result in disease prevention and eradication. In line with this, I have been working on a lot of technology-based projects, one being creating a website to display health statistics in Africa. As a source of inspiration, I discussed the idea with some colleagues from a start-up accelerator program called BongoHive. I am really passionate about creating a society that embraces technology and I'm constantly taking small steps to accomplish this goal.

Word limit is 250

Hi Matt!
In general, I think that you respond to the question but just some things to notice. The first 2-3 lines of the first paragraph don't make much sense and don't go anywhere. I would start just from your passion of computer programming, and maybe explain more in that sense, what really excites you about computer programming. Also, you need to incorporate more how the topic that is important to you reflects in your personal values.

Some small corrections:
"... lies in the joining of technology ..."
"... how effective the use of technology (...) "
"... passionate about creating collaborating in a society that "

Wish you all the best.

MArtin, your response is incorrect. You discussed a passion for an interest. Your response refers to your interest in your college course. The prompt is asking you to discuss something not related to your education. It is asking you to discuss something you believe in. Something related to a personal value. A personal value could be related to personal integrity, honor, truth, equality, and anything that relates to a personal belief that reflects how you view society in relation to your personal values. Your response does not reflect any personal values and therefore, cannot be considered an acceptable response to this essay. You will need to develop a totally new response statement, based on the proper personal value reference or references. You can look up the various personal values and its definitions online. Choose the one or ones that are close to your personal values then write about that or those for this essay.