I realized that we would eventually die and we do not know even when; my most influential eye-opener

instructios : Describe, in less than 300 words, a short essay on a subject of personal importance to you. You may choose any topic. Examples include: an event which has influenced you or a family member/friend/person who had a significant influence on you.

The most influential event in my life so far was when I realized that we would die and did not know until when will live. It is the grace of God that so I'm grateful. Since it was the one I tried to use the time as well as possible in order to realize the goal of my life, which is to do good. School is not the place to have fun again. SMA is the place to start the struggle towards my dream. I want to be useful in this life. Especially for my parents. Those who have educated me very well. Although we live a simple life, but all that I am grateful and enjoy because I believe God has a wonderful plan for me. My time with the contents effectively. At school I had the opportunity to become chairman of the Red Cross teen hero, an organization under the guidance kepalangmerahan Indonesian Red Cross. It was an experience I will never forget, that's where I learn and know about leadership. I aspire to be a successful young entrepreneurs in order to realize my dream. I want my family happy and want to useful in various fields, especially education and health. I often cry when I saw on television that many children are not able to attend school and those who could not go due to limited funds. I had to fight hard in order to become a successful entrepreneur and realize my dreams. Studying abroad is a stepping stone so that I can realize my dream. NTU is a very good university and conducive to learning. But I realized that I did not have enough money to school there, so that full scholarship is the only hope that I can go to school there.

The most influential event in my life so far was when I realized that we would die and did not how long we will live. It is the grace of God that I'm so grateful. Since it was the one I tried to use the time as well as possible in order to realize the goal of my life, which is to do good. School is not the place to have fun again. SMA is the place to start the struggle towards my dream. I want to be useful in this life, e specially for my parents. Those who have educated me very well. Although we live a simple life, but I am grateful and enjoy because I believe God has a wonderful plan for me. My time with the contents effectively. At school I had the opportunity to become chairman of the Red Cross teen hero, an organization under the guidance kepalangmerahan Indonesian Red Cross. It was an experience I will never forget, that's where I learn and know about leadership. I aspire to be a successful young entrepreneurs in order to realize my dream. I want my family happy and want to be useful in various fields, especially education and health. I often cry when I see on television the children who are not able to attend school or go due to limited funds. I had to fight hard in order to become a successful entrepreneur and realize my dreams. Studying abroad is a stepping stone so that I can realize my dream. NTU is a very good university and conducive to learning. But I realized that I did not have enough money to school there, so that full scholarship is the only hope that I can go to school there.

what do you think about my essay??

First of , you have absolutely not answered the prompt. You need to stick with just one thing.You talk about death , God , family , fiscal situations , extracurricular activities , your ambitions to be an entrepreneur , your need for a scholarship. You need for it to be come together so talk about just one or two things. Examples include :

1.Your time at the Red Cross Teen Hero and how it impressed upon you the value of leadership and the responsibilities that it entails.
2.You life in general in , what I assume to be , Indonesia and how you intend to move for your education even though your family wont be able to meet all of your tuition.

3.Someone at an internship or job or anywhere really who was a role model or taught you an important lesson.
The prompt is very open ended. Anything will fly really , topic wise. But you need to take care to not talk about too many things.

I would not suggest it but if you still persist with this , you will need to make it :
a)More terse and cogent.
b)Persuasive because you need a scholarship.
c)Use correct idiomatic English which was notably lacking in your first draft
d)Also maybe amend your essay so that we can see how you came to the realization.