Research project about music and learning new languages - KGSP-U: Extracurricular activities

Hello, there! I need help with identifying whether the information I am providing is relevant and not overly dramatic. Also, I would love to hear advice on whether I should shorten my answer to the prompt.

The paragraphs are not in order!

meaningful academic achievement and experience

One of my most significant academic achievements was my research project about music and its application in learning new languages. I was extremely interested in the scientific side of this question because music has played an enormous role in my English acquisition. As a result, my research project "An Innovative Approach To Memorizing Words Via Modern Songs" won the 1st place at the school competition, 3rd place at the national "IV National Conference Of Scientific Research Works Among School Students," and got published at the Russian scientific journal "Problems Of Pedagogy." During the year I spent on this research, I have learned how to conduct experiments and surveys, analyze research works, and write a scientific paper based on the knowledge I gathered from different resources. Moreover, I believe that this is not my last research project.

I joined our school's student government in 10th Grade. Over two years, I have organized two annual New Year parties for middle schoolers, held a school competition between classes for the best culture-based school design, and, most importantly, was a guide to the representatives of CIS (Council of International Schools) during the accreditation of our school.

One of the most meaningful experiences of my life was founding a volunteering project "The call from Heart" in 11th Grade to teach English to children with hearing disabilities from another school where English lessons were not available. In 2 years of being a part of this project, I have learned how to lead the team. More than 50 volunteers have participated in our weekly lessons. I was grateful for the opportunity to share my knowledge with others.

Motivated by that experience, in 12th Grade, I started to work online as an English tutor for exams such as SAT and IELTS because I wanted to be financially independent of my parents and earn money using the skills that I have. Over the year of tutoring, I have worked with over 15 students. As a result, I was even able to help my family financially during coronavirus pandemic since I was still able to work online, while they couldn't.

I think your content is fine but may I ask one thing? Shouldn't it be 'culture-based school design, and most importantly, was a '? I saw an extra comma after and.

Also, I believe you cannot end with an auxiliary verb.

While all of these activities are notable. They do not share equal importance in your presentation. You should indicate the most notable participation you had in each activity and lengthen the presentation of your skills development during that time. You do not need to improve the research presentation. That is the strongest topic here. As for the student government, focus on the CIS period and your participation in it. As for "Call From the Heart", it can use further development in terms of your team leadership skills. For the tutoring aspect, perhaps focus on what skills you developed further there in relation to the "call from the heart" project. Now remember, you will need to merge these information with other prompt topics so do not overfocus. Just be quick in the presentation, but use notable information within each paragraph to highlight your leadership skills, which is what the reviewer will be interested in learning about. You can also opt to use only the 2 strongest activities you have had if you wish to save on time and presentation space. It isn't the number of activities that matters anyway, it is the skills that you developed within the activity that will impress the reviewer.