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being somebody constructive in the world - Why do I deserve this scholarship?



almacubana 5 / 19  
Jan 24, 2010   #1
"Tell us what makes you a good college student"

So i don't really know how to answer this question, so tips and suggestions, as well as corrections, are most definitely appreciated!

My wish to further my education is mainly due to my unwavering passion of gaining knowledge. My hardworking single mother has done nothing but support me: bringing me from Cuba so I could have a better future though she feared this unknown country, where the language still baffles her. In Cuba, I was limited for eleven years of my life; I do not ever want to feel again as if I can not achieve my dreams.

I entered high school in the Magnet Program for Business, and all of my classes were in the International Baccalaureate Program. In my biology class, a whole new world, invisible to the unaided human eye, was suddenly presented to me: the molecular world. I felt the wheels turning as my teacher explained the life processes cells undergo in order to survive; well, Biology and I just clicked. Although I have learned more about cells, this knowledge only brought up more questions in my mind. I know what photosynthesis is and how enzymes are inhibited, but why is Photosystem I most efficient at P700 and why are enzymes not consumed while catalyzing reactions? The questions are never-ending, and though my young ignorance is frustrating, the novelty of learning something new is what attracts me to biology. It is a vast field of study with a plethora of unexplored areas that await for someone to discover them. I would not like petty things as money, or the hard stuff that life throws at me, to keep me from doing what I love doing most: learning.

I want this scholarship because it will help me achieve my goal of being somebody constructive in the world. Being an officer of the Robotics Club, Spanish Club, and Name that book club, while volunteering through Interact group, being member of National Honor Society and Future Business Leaders of America, have taught me not only of the importance of education, but of perseverance, through time management, and patience, through trial and error. Leadership and communication skills have been instilled in me. Going to college will not only enhance those skills, but mold me into a more well-rounded person who is prepared to face the professional world.

Tell me what you think.
First impressions?
Grammar error (especially sentence structure. Run-on sentences?)


Liebe 1 / 524  
Jan 24, 2010   #2
My wish to further my education is mainly due to my unwavering passion of gaining knowledge.

^Lame cliche.

Tell me what you think.
First impressions?
Grammar error (

^Gramma is quite poor.
First impression=Poor

What makes you a good college student? You have not answered this succintly.
Instead, tyohe body of your essay is focused on you discussing a class and why you liked it.
happyhourman - / 10  
Jan 24, 2010   #3
What makes you a good college student? You have not answered this succintly.
Instead, tyohe body of your essay is focused on you discussing a class and why you liked it.

I agree. Almacubana, you did not mention how you would make a good college student... Well, you did but it is really weak. Talk about how you can be constructive. Talk about how you learned from your past and how you can give back to the community/college/world in the future. Colleges wants students to think in the long run, so talk about your future more and how you plan to achieve it by going to college.


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