*unrolls 2m long piece of paper* - Speech for nomination for Valedictorian

So in our school the valedictorian is chosen by the class and I need to get votes. Usually with these kinds of things the speech needs have humor. So can anyone please read this over and see if it is funny or interesting enough to get votes. btw. Haris is my friend.

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I know you all are busy people so I won't take much of your time.
*unrolls paper* (a long piece of paper, like 2m in length)
Good morning/afternoon fellow students, teachers and Haris, my name is Johnathan and I'm running to be your graduating class' Valedictorian. Before I begin, I would like to give a shout out to Mr. Mills for keeping our halls safe and Amolik Singh for keeping it real on the announcements. Now many of you may not know who I am so, here's a few things about me. I'm 18 years old, 5'11" and I wear a size 13 shoe. my doctor says that I've got phoenix blood running through my veins.

I think it really is a great honour and privilege... for all of you to be sitting here listening to me. Now, you all are wondering what makes this guy qualified to be your valedictorian;

Well, for starters, I work hard, when I start a task, I'll do my best to complete it. Take this as an example, everyday at 10 am, I'm sitting in physics 12, and there are a lot of you that are taking physics 12, so you know what I'm going through. Anyway, our brilliant teacher Mr. T always engages the class and asks questions about the topic at hand. And that one try-hard kid always answers the questions, while the rest of us sleep in on a pile of our own drool. Well you know what, I'm that one try hard kid that always answers the question!

Secondly, I chase my goals; this resolve is fueled by a fire inside of me. A fire that drives me to do better, a fire that no one can put out and this is the same fire that I'm starting to spit out right now.

Finally, as valedictorian, I believe that upon graduation day, I can effectively demonstrate our wonderful school spirit to everyone attending. Now, I may not have been a very visible member in our school's spirit events, but a quote from my boy Winston Churchill implies otherwise, "One must not be in the present to feel a nation's spirit but can feel the same spirit by staying home and playing Call of Duty instead."

Now, I know there are some of you out there, that are afraid to vote for me, because you're afraid that I won't win, and you wanna be on the winning side. Well in order to dispel negativity from those haters, I would like to refer a quote by philosopher and rapper Curtis "fifdy" Cent Jackson, "Love it or Hate it, the underdog's come on-top."

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I have an idea, but you don't have to use it. You can use a quote if you want to open up your speech:

All my life I wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific-Jane Wagner (BrainyQuotes)

If you use this quote, it means you specifically want to be valedictorian.

There cannot be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.-Henry A. Kissinger (BrainyQuotes)
This may not be the best quote, but you may relate to how something goes wrong and you can't fit it in your schedule. You don't have to use this example. I was just brainstorming on a way for you to open up your essay. Word of caution: If you use a quote, make sure it is not offensive or crude.

I wan't sure if these are your paragraphs, because there are no indentations. However, I have made some suggestions as I read the speech:

1st paragraph: Also, I do have a sense of humor but I don't know if your friend is popular or the funny person in the class. That is why I am unsure if you should address your friend in this speech. Do you think your class will laugh if this person is mentioned? I would say, "I would like to tell you some interesting facts about myself". I don't think you should mention phoenix blood.

2nd paragraph: I am going to make minimal grammar changes. "Well, first, I work hard..." You should begin the next sentence with, "For example, everyday at 10 am..." The humor in this is unexpected, but it also shows you are bright. Very clever!

3rd paragraph: When you state it is a fire you are starting to spit out, I'm unsure if you are trying to be funny.I would be careful about using Winston Churchill's quote, because others may be active in school activities.

You have worked hard in school, but playing video games may not make kids laugh. You may want to draw attention to yourself. Maybe your call of duty is being that valedictorian who gets the job done. This is a different call of duty.

Change the first sentence to: "want to be on the winning side". Also change the last sentence to: I would like to refer to a quote. It is risky to quote Mr. Jackson and use the term "haters". You need a call to action statement to end it. Have you seen commercials where they ask you to do something like visit my website, or act now to get a great price on this product? You need to end it by telling them to choose you.

I hope this helps! I didn't want to be critical. I just want to assist you. Writing a speech isn't easy. Know your audience, relax, and hopefully you will do well.