I am in combat. The enemy is stealthy, fast, and skilled; College App

So after my terrible first essay,
I wrote another, which is quite different stylistically and thematically given the nature of college essays.
Let me know what you think!

I am in combat. The enemy is stealthy, fast, and skilled. He hides in the very moment I believe I have found him, for he is strong, and holds tricks on the corner of his sleeve. When I crouch, he runs. When I run, he shoots. We play a tantalizing game, both of us the hunters, both of us the hunted.

Last Tuesday, he was shot. In the moment when both our worlds froze, we exchanged contact, and our eyes met, for the first, and hopefully, for the last time. In mine, I held resilience and strength, and in his, I saw fear.

While my heart raced, and the blood pulsed in my veins, a thousand synapses danced their ceaseless dance. The flesh of my cheek turned upward, as the warm, putrid air filled my mouth. In that moment, I was alive. I had won this battle.

The war is not yet over. We ricochet back and forth, like the slapping of a hockey puck against shattered ice. One battles ceases, and another begins, first in mud, then in wind. It has lasted months, yet there is far more to go. It may last years, the future, unknown.

The enemy is my breast tumor. I am the soldier. While I have lost battles, I have also won. My tumor will not prevent me from becoming the woman I wish to become, the one who breaks a familial cycle of oppressed, undereducated women. My tumor will not prevent me from being at the school, I so vehemently love, Northwestern. And my tumor most certainly will not prevent me from following the dreams I so desperately chase.

My enemy is strong, capable, and resilient, but I will not fail. I will take on the enemy, I will outstrip him, and I will win this war.

.... awesome :)


Very inspiring writing!


It's great if we had your prompt, I guess it is something like "significant challenge" .... However, this is very high standard of writing and you are such a gifted person. I wish you all the best with your application and all your future endeavors.

Good Luck!

Generally good. However, I do find myself wondering, what is the allegory for all those colorful descriptions of mud and ricochets.. and how does fighting breast cancer drive you to want to go to college? Are you studying medicine? Marketing/social work or something? Becuase those are easy to relate, with something like, you want to rais awareness or something...

But do relate back why this battle makes you want to go to college, even if it as simple as living life to the fullest or something.

I think that..my essays never hand the point to the reader on a silver plate. There are imbedded ideas and thoughts about how I live and my personality, but I don't make it all too explicit. Because I think that..explicit writing may end up ruining whatever interpretation the reader is entitled to, and by allowing them to use their imagination, and perhaps connect the dots, it might be more impactful! Just my opinion of course! :P

I think your show-don't-tell approach definitely makes for better writing, but at the same time, for many colleges, the Common App essay is the only way to portray everything you want to about yourself to a school. And what I currently get from your essay is: 1. You are fighting breast cancer, 2. You are determined to get better and determined to complete school and live your life, and 3. You like Northwestern University. So ask yourself, "If a person who knew absolutely nothing about me read this essay and got those three ideas, would he or she know who I was?" And if you're satisfied with the answer, then your essay is good to go.

Thank you :)
My common app essay was actually on something else; this essay was an extra one I wrote :)