I absolutely love the notion of diverse community; U Maryland College

Hi i need some suggestions on my essay.
The first paragraph seems awkward and so does the conclusion. Thanks for your help.

The University of Maryland prides itself on being an inclusive community that celebrates differences, brings together people from the widest array of backgrounds and perspectives, and recognizes that excellence cannot be achieved without diversity. What do you look forward to gaining from the diversity of the University of Maryland community?

(approx. 300)

Diversity is a vigorous influence that can only bring excellence in the world. Many distinctive cultures, religions, traditions and lifestyles is what makes life interesting. Diversity is the gateways to doors and opportunities, that everyone should be able to pass. We all should celebrate and appreciate how the community is diversified at the University of Maryland Community. It is the diversity which makes up a community.

I absolutely love the notion of diverse community. As I was growing up, I lived in a town, where there was not much diversity. There was no color, religions and people who were a bit different, nor did they know what diversity in a community looked like. I was one of few minorities who lived in the area. People where fascinated by how I looked and what I practice. They had acted, if I was an alien.

So my parents packed up the luggage and headed southwest. Nothing unusual or peculiar than where I lived before. I walked into the halls of education, was stunned to see the different cultures, lifestyles, and religions of the people. It was like I entered a whole new world. As I walked down the lobby, everyone was different, the flow of clashing languages glided through my ear, it sounded like gibberish. Was I in a foreign country? Wrong. People here loved to express their different cultures and practices. I was weary about my new school at first but, then I fell in love with it. Students here actually loved and appreciate where they came from. They cherish their cultures and lifestyles as if it was their own. The smile in my face uplifts every single time I promenade through the halls, as if I won the lottery. And come to think, I won something, and it was acceptance. That is why I look forward to gain diversity and calling the community of University of Maryland Home.

^This is just a general cliche. it is boring. it sucks. Remove


^How can there be no color? Did no one practice religion at all??
Obviously if you are the only minority, people may find you interesting. They may think you are different, or an 'alien' as you put it, because in effect you are. This does not mean that these people do not appreciate diversity. in fact, the fact that they were 'fascinated' only suggests that they are interested in diversity and want to know more. if these people ignored you, or discriminated against you, that defies diversity.


^Polish your grammar in this section.

Yea, in fact your grammar suffers in the whole of the last paragraph.


^You also do not answer the prompt properly.

Yes, the first para is awkward. Divirsity is not vigorous. If you want to say it is vigorous, you need to explain what you mean. It must be a metaphor, because vigor applies to movement or attentiveness... but not to a concept! However, if you want to say diversity is like the vigorous stirring of a mixture, that is okay.

In that first paragraph, think of what you are really trying to say. Obviously diversity makes a community interesting. Go deeper, and say something about what it will take in order for people to overcome their feers of the "other" and all that is different. Your para will not be awkward if you are saying something you feel really passionate about.

:-)