"my academic and personal growth" - Duke Robertson Essay #1

Scholars accountable, and perhaps even more importantly, as a community, they hold each other accountable. In an essay of no more than 500 words, tell us about a community (i.e. your school, your church, your neighborhood, etc.) that was instrumental to your personal development, including specific examples of how and why it challenged you to better yourself.

Over the past four years, my school and church communities have been instrumental in my academic and personal growth. Hinsdale South High School is a diverse community that challenges its students to perform well in the classroom and to get involved in the surrounding community. Becoming a part of Hinsdale South High School's community has challenged me to perform at a high academic level, become more involved in my community and mature as an individual in order to be successful. Similarly, my church community has provided the support and encouragement to achieve the goals that I have set out for myself.

Before entering Hinsdale South High School, I didn't expect to work particularly hard to achieve the goals I had set out to accomplish. I had not been forced to do so in the past and didn't expect to as I entered high school, but entering an academically rigorous curriculum in high school was much different from what I had previously been used to. It demanded more of me intellectually and forced me to mature quickly. At Hinsdale South I've learned how to reason, formulate ideas, and study, all things I had not needed to do in the past. Most importantly, I learned to enjoy the process of learning and value the accumulation of knowledge.

Also, at Hinsdale South I have built strong relationships with the teachers who have expected the most from me. For example, I have built a very good relationship with my English II Honors and AP Literature & Composition teacher, Mr. Brian Thelen. Though Mr. Thelen didn't always give me the grade I wanted, I knew that by learning from his suggestions I would become a better writer and student. He taught me that by developing my reasoning ability and enjoying the process of analysis and understanding rather than searching for a final solution, I would be more successful.

My church community has also been instrumental in my academic and personal growth. The members of my church community have provided me with the support and encouragement to achieve my goals. In addition, my peers in the church community through their hard work and successes have encouraged me to pursue my own goals. They have served as role models for me and I hope that I can serve as a role model for the next generation.

Being involved in both my school and church communities has stimulated my academic and personal growth by the presence of role models in the community, the high expectations, and the encouragement that I received as a part of both. I have become a better student, a better thinker, a better leader, and a more mature individual.

It is well written, but you need to find some synonyms for "community"--you use it six times just in the opening paragraph!

Here's how I might rewrite it to take the repetition down a notch:

Over the past four years, my school and church communities have been instrumental in my academic and personal growth. Hinsdale South High School's diversity challenges its students to perform well in the classroom and be involved in the surrounding community. Being a part of Hinsdale South High School's student body has challenged me to perform at a high academic level, become more involved in social activism, and mature as an individual. Similarly, my congregation has provided the support and encouragement to achieve the goals that I have set out for myself.

I have to go eat dinner, but I'll come back a little later with more comments.

These sentences are pretty wordy. When you are working within a limited word count like this, you really need to pare things down so you will have even more room to stick the important stuff in there. You don't need to say the name of the high school again or even or be so repetitive on "high school" ( you use it three times in these two sentences). Here's one way to rewrite it and lower the word count:

Prior to high school, I didn't expect to work particularly hard to achieve my goals. Tackling an academically rigorous curriculum proved much different from my previous experience.

63 words down to 27.


Try to use the active verb tense whenever you can. Again, the name of the high school, isn't all that important (nor is the name of the teacher). Try something like: I built strong relationships with teachers who expect the most from me.

So sorry ... now it is bedtime! I am hoping that someone else will pick this up.