Achievement Essay (Mall Management) - Application to SMU

Hello fellow users, I appreciate any constructive feedback/criticism that will help to polish my essay.

The application is due soon T^T, so I hope to hear some comments soon. Thanking you guys in anticipation! (:

involvement in mall management

Describe the highlights of your most outstanding achievements or contributions (Maximum: 300 words).

There are several remarkable achievements that I am proud to have accomplished under my belt. One such achievement was my involvement in mall management during my internship.

When I was deployed to a site during my internship as a property officer, I had assisted the complex manager in putting forth a proposal to the property developer. The proposal presented has benefited the development by extending the free parking promotion. Simultaneously, the shopping mall saw an increased footfall in the coming months after the free parking promotion was prolonged.

As the current free parking promotion was expiring, the manager was searching for an approach to extend it. I initiated to put forth a visual report in forms of tables and charts since graphical presentation could envision and bring attention to the developer the upward trend of people utilising the promotion. The manager agreed to my idea, and I was tasked with handling the data. I analysed the relevant statistics provided and produced various charts for him to work with. I even drafted the report for the manager for his recommendation.

When the developer reviewed the proposal, the executive was impressed with the information presented and gave his approval to extend the promotion. With the tabulation and compilation of data into a visual report, it aided in the decision making of the free parking proposal.

I am proud to have played a part in improving certain aspects of mall management. It is fulfilling as I have accomplished in increasing footfall of shoppers which in turn boosted the businesses of the retailers and shop operators. I am pleased that my input has aided the development in several ways during my internship.

Samantha, since the indication in the prompt is "achievements or contributions", you should be presenting more than one scenario in your essay. There should be at least 2 representations of your achievements in order to qualify for the prompt requirement. Each of the achievements must be around 150 words each. The events will also be more effective if you portray one professional and one academic achievement or one professional and one socio-civic achievement. That is because the events will portray two sides of your personality and show how you perform in different scenarios. While this essay is good, it focuses too much on only one event. So the reviewer does not get to know more about you as a person / professional / student. You must balance the discussion in order to fully utilize the benefit of the plural form of the prompt concept. It will be more advantageous for your application.

You definitely need to include a concluding paragraph in the essay. That will give it a proper closure that currently does not exist. The essay sounds like it abruptly ended, just as the opening statement also needs to be revised so that it sounds smoother in presentation. Remember that you are now presenting two information in relation to the prompt requirement. So your opening statement and your conclusion will need to reflect that change. The second story is not reflected in the opening statement so that makes its appearance in the essay sudden and awkward. It becomes smoother if it is included in the discussion outline in the opening statement. BTW, this is my final free advice to you. I would love to continue helping you develop this essay to perfection. However, I can only do that if you turn this essay into an "Urgent" thread where I can continue to advice you on a longer basis.