Hello guys! Can you please read my essay and correct me on grammar, spelling, etc? Also can you see if my essay fits the topic? I am not confident about it... This it too cheesy and sad? or is it of topic? (does it have potential or is it: "oh it's another whinny essay" ) I am so nervous. And also is the last sentence too gooey? O.O! Thank you so much!
Btw- And how can I make this shorter? (the essay is suppose to be it less than 500 word... ) Be brutal! I really want to hear your opinion :)
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
----------------------------------------------------------------- ----- ----------------------------------
Just last year my parent decides to get a divorce. Even though I saw the signs and knew it inevitable, I am still heartbroken by what had happen. The foundation of or home was shatter and everything seem to fall apart. Since my father left, my mother was left behind with the house mortgage and bills to pay. Of course by her own, there was no way she could balance everything so eventually we had to move out of the home we have lived in since I was 9. Although my parent's divorce was an unfortunate experience, I came to learn about the more importance of education and how much I love my family.
I use to wish that I was just like other teenage girls who can just hang out with their friend and not worry about anything in the world. However this thought means nothing the moment my brother kissed me on the cheek and told me, "You are the best sister ever!" after I help him finish his homework. My mother has to work late everyday in order to support 3 kids; as a result she can only count on me to help her take care of my little brothers. Extracurricular activities were not an option because it would mean leaving them at home by themselves. Instead of mope around being miserable, I am delighted for the opportunity to spend 1 on 1 times with them. This opportunity has taught me responsibility and sensibility. Most importantly, it shows me the meaning of family.
Even with a Dental Assistance License, earning a living was not as easy for my mother. Once I see her crying on the kitchen floor quietly by herself. It broke my heart to see her in this situation. I used ask her why she decide had to leave her home everybody she knew behind and come to foreign land. And she would reply "I did it for you and your brother." I knew that what she said was true. My mother immigrated to America so that my brother and I can go to school, get a decent education, and make something out of ourselves. Therfore, part of my drive to be the best at school is to make my mother proud. But I am also passionate about learning I do not want rely and depend on anyone but to stand on your two feet and take control of my life. I have learned from my mother's experience that it is important for a woman to get a collage education and not to lean on a man.
Looking back, I am grateful for everything that has happened to me. My parent's divorce, although miserable, has definitely made me a more responsible student and a caring daughter. I have become more mature, independent, and reliable. It also made me realize the importance of family and education. My personality, experience, and persistence will definitely be an asset to UF becasue no matter what obstacle come my way, I will definately be able to overcome it.
Btw- And how can I make this shorter? (the essay is suppose to be it less than 500 word... ) Be brutal! I really want to hear your opinion :)
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
----------------------------------------------------------------- ----- ----------------------------------
Just last year my parent decides to get a divorce. Even though I saw the signs and knew it inevitable, I am still heartbroken by what had happen. The foundation of or home was shatter and everything seem to fall apart. Since my father left, my mother was left behind with the house mortgage and bills to pay. Of course by her own, there was no way she could balance everything so eventually we had to move out of the home we have lived in since I was 9. Although my parent's divorce was an unfortunate experience, I came to learn about the more importance of education and how much I love my family.
I use to wish that I was just like other teenage girls who can just hang out with their friend and not worry about anything in the world. However this thought means nothing the moment my brother kissed me on the cheek and told me, "You are the best sister ever!" after I help him finish his homework. My mother has to work late everyday in order to support 3 kids; as a result she can only count on me to help her take care of my little brothers. Extracurricular activities were not an option because it would mean leaving them at home by themselves. Instead of mope around being miserable, I am delighted for the opportunity to spend 1 on 1 times with them. This opportunity has taught me responsibility and sensibility. Most importantly, it shows me the meaning of family.
Even with a Dental Assistance License, earning a living was not as easy for my mother. Once I see her crying on the kitchen floor quietly by herself. It broke my heart to see her in this situation. I used ask her why she decide had to leave her home everybody she knew behind and come to foreign land. And she would reply "I did it for you and your brother." I knew that what she said was true. My mother immigrated to America so that my brother and I can go to school, get a decent education, and make something out of ourselves. Therfore, part of my drive to be the best at school is to make my mother proud. But I am also passionate about learning I do not want rely and depend on anyone but to stand on your two feet and take control of my life. I have learned from my mother's experience that it is important for a woman to get a collage education and not to lean on a man.
Looking back, I am grateful for everything that has happened to me. My parent's divorce, although miserable, has definitely made me a more responsible student and a caring daughter. I have become more mature, independent, and reliable. It also made me realize the importance of family and education. My personality, experience, and persistence will definitely be an asset to UF becasue no matter what obstacle come my way, I will definately be able to overcome it.