Undergraduate Albany Medical School Admissions Essay

hello everyone,

you guys are awesome people and I was just wondering if you could take a look at my essay.

Could I also have some feedback?

And if there are any spelling, grammatical, idiomatic(?) errors in the essay, feel free to correct them.

here's the essay topic,

Describe a personal service experience in your community , what you have gained from it, and how it reflects the unique values of the medical program (AMC).

Thank you guys so much in advance. You guys are all wonderful and blessed people.

Always expect the unexpected is what they say. In the summer of 2007, I was about to go through an experience that would help me understand the meaning of the saying, firsthand. In July, I decided to participate in the Mexico mission arranged by my church along with a few other dedicated members. Tijuana was our destination, and we knew even before departure that this mission was not going to be an easy one due to the prevalent drug wars and other political instabilities in the community. With hopes of expanding the well-being of our community, the members thought donating sandals, renovating buildings, and delivering moral lectures to the villagers would be the ideal and the only option to really fulfill our goal. That's what I had in mind as well. Just at first.

It happens everyday. The number of casualties increased by day according to the 9'o clock morning news. It is something I have regularly been reminded of and I will soon be settling in one of those locations. I was only preparing to meet people just like myself but with a bit more tan skin and maybe, just maybe, a slight difference in personalities.

Not a big deal.
I spent not one second looking away from the window. The church van entered a small village in one of the most dilapidated parts of Tijuana, and as I examined the hovels and the children in the village, I could not help but start counting my blessings. What happened to this place? I asked myself. Nothing. It's just always been like that.

It was when the van entered a little neighborhood I noticed a boy standing like a statue, tossing a rock up and down in his right sullied hand. At that moment, I realized that to him - and everyone else in the village-we were foreigners. Aliens.

As I first set foot on the desert ground, I was overwhelmed by "change". I looked up to see about 30 to 40 topless and semi-clothed children, who seemed to have emerged from the desert itself, surrounding the church van. I looked at the roof of the van to see children already there, studying the aliens' spaceship, and before I knew it, the church group was soon besieged by these children. And there, something struck me. Not only did I see curiosity in their brown eyes, but also courage. Were they not afraid to touch us? Study us? Soon enough, I found myself asking questions that I had not thought of before. I have been focusing merely on these people's superficial aspects, and I have failed to see deep within them, their thoughts, their limitations. Their pursuits. They are nothing like the people I have seen on television or from the newspapers. I saw hope in them.

We went from house to house- if you want to call it that- giving out green and pink Crocs sandals, which seemed garish amidst the brown desert. I watched the kids' eyes sparkle in awe at the sight of something they had never seen before. I imagined myself in their shoes, and I could not help but feel their happiness.

There was something else I noticed though as I watched the kids fool around on the dirty ground. Blood. Although, Not too much. I was in terror as I looked at it. The little drops of blood seemed to form a trail that led to wound from the bottom of the boy's foot. The boy was frivolous, as if he didn't mind the severity of his injury. His friends didn't even notice the red trail - or did they? The blood was thick and contrasting against the cold and dead ground, and it stood out like a sore thumb. I noticed the boy finally glancing briefly at his foot, and before I knew it, he was off and running with his friends. Oblivious. Have they ever had access to medical care? I doubted it. I scanned the landscape surrounding the village to see extensive, malicious mountains.

I was quickly reminded of children at the hospital where I have been volunteering. They were no different from any of the kids I saw there at Mexico. Except these kids were clueless, and had absolutely no knowledge of medical aid.

I felt remorse as I boarded the church van after "finishing" the mission. I wanted to take each and every one of them with us. I wanted to see their jaws drop in awe as they begin to realize that the world is a big place. It will never happen though.

I have become more cosmopolitan than I ever was. I learned that watching documentary on the dismal conditions in developing nations in IB Geography class was merely a trailer for a firsthand experience in those nations. The number of war casualties I see is no longer merely a figure. I see each of them as a human being. What have they done to deserve this? Why are they not getting the treatments we're receiving?

I was able to apply the knowledge I learned at school (geography class) at Mexico; People are often unemployed, there is little income per person, levels of technology are low, there is high illiteracy, and there is lack of medical centers. I was able to see and experience such aspects through this opportunity. And through this experience, I discovered that the world is small, but then again, not so small. The way we perceive things around us is influenced by the condition of our surroundings. I think of the blood trail from the boy's foot as I ponder the difference between me and the boy in terms of each of our perceptions. Such are things I never expected.

What the Siena college/Albany Medical School Program has to offer is unconventional, and hence, appealing to me. I believe that all physicians - family doctors or surgeons - should be broadly educated. In other words, instead of focusing mainly on science courses, students preparing to pursue a career in medicine should expand their horizons, and know the ethics behind scientific issues. According to my dictionary, an ideal physician is a one who is cosmopolitan- a doctor who can overcome his incapacity and view medical and social issues in multiple perspectives. Essentially a critical thinker. The Theory of Knowledge course has taught me to think critically and always look for what is behind all the superficialities. The discussions raised in the class often highlight current issues related to humanities and ethics. The one aspect that made my decision to choose the Siena college path is that it comprises these entire in one package - philosophy, ethics, social work, and medical sociology. The experience at Tijuana was like no other, and I plan on building up that experience - and I found a way to make this happen. I am fond of the idea that students in the junior and senior years at Siena are sent to urban ghettos and developing nations, performing nonmedical work. Through such mutual experiences, students can build a community together at the foreign locations with the disadvantaged.

Another part of the program that grabs my attention is, following the second year, students are able to gain medically oriented experiences in rural clinics. I think about the harsh living conditions and the shortage of medical clinics in the aboriginal village in Tijuana. People in the developed nations often discuss these issues, however, do not take any action to deal with them. I am not about to let it happen.

With the experiences and insights related to medicine and ethics I gained throughout my high school years and at the Mexico mission, I believe I can apply these values in those particular activities. With the creativity and skills that I have garnered, I will be able to solve problems and carry out investigations within a global context. The program nurtures students into critical thinkers, not only in sciences, but also as world citizens, who will apply key characteristics of medicine in a responsible and socially aware manner.

Medicine is not merely a field of sciences and mathematics, but one that requires everyday knowledge, the ability to be in the shoes of those who are "unknown" to many, and the desire to apply such insights in the "small" world. I build my motivation daily from referring to the passage from the Bible, "a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. (Proverbs 17:22)."

It's quite long, but hopefully I'll be able to shorten it a bit.

Malicious mountains?

You've got the makings of a very strong essay here. It is, as you say, quite long. You can cut it down to size by getting rid of the trite sayings with which you begin and end the piece and also by making the narrative tighter and less conversational.

One thing jumped out at me, distracting me throughout the essay. It was the idea that you all intended to "give moral lectures" to the villagers. One wonders why you thought that would be necessary or even acceptable to do. The hubris! As if material poverty somehow makes people spiritually impoverished! As if the civic and religious leaders of those communities could not give their own moral lectures! As if your "gifts" of shoes came with a price tag: If you want shoes, then swallow your pride and listen to strangers lecture you on morals.

Maybe you didn't think that through. Maybe you did, after, but didn't mention it here. My advice? If you believe you are now cosmopolitan, then either take out the reference to the moral lectures or -- even better -- explain why you now know that's not the way to render aid to people living in poverty.

Thank you so much EF_Simone,

I will take everything you wrote into account.

Or perhaps you understood from the start that people's values play an important role in how well they do in life, and that chronic, enduring poverty therefore likely has its roots in the acceptance of poor values? In which case, you could explore that belief, a perfectly reasonable one, also. I'd be more concerned with taking things away than adding, though. Could you say the exact same things you say now in about, say, 20% fewer words and then repost?

I most certainly can EF_Sean!
I'll get to work ASAP

Thanks a lot for that!