'purpose and ambition to achieve greatness' - yale supplement question

This is my Yale supplement response. It needs to be shortened a little bit, but any response would be appreciated! Thanks!

What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? (500 characters)

When I visited Yale, I first fell in love with the Hogwarts castle-esque architecture of the Yale housing colleges. It was everything I dreamt about when I devoured the Harry Potter series as a younger kid. Then, when I visited the library and academic buildings, I found myself loving a different part of Yale. I could feel a sense of accomplishment and simply an overwhelming amount of knowledge and greatness in those buildings and those who walked through them. I could see that the students of Yale walked with stride, filled with purpose and ambition to achieve greatness. It was inspiring and refreshing to see such passion, and I hope to one day start my journey to adulthood at a place like a Yale.

Right now it tells the reader what Yale inspires in you, but you could go farther. For example you say you've read books, and gained knowledge. It's very general and it doesn't imply a lot about your interests

When I visited Yale, I first fell in love with the Hogwarts castle-esque architecture of the Yale housing colleges. It was everything I dreamt about when I devoured the Harry Potter series as a younger kid. Then, when I visited the library and academic buildings, I found myself loving a different part of Yale. "Yale is one of the few places in the world that holds one of the first Bibles written." said my tour guide. That fact awed me. This was a place of greatness, a place with an overwhelming amount of knowledge, and I wanted to be a part of it. The students of Yale walk with stride, with purpose and with ambition to achieve greatness. It was inspiring and refreshing to see such passion, and I hope to one day start my journey to adulthood at a place like a Yale.

an improvement maybe?

Yes a very good improvement, I just learned something lol.