If you are applying to the Trinity College of Arts and Sciences as a first year applicant, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something particular about Duke that attracts you? (Please limit your response to no more than 150 words.)
Duke has always been like a second home to me, ever since I was a young child visiting the school with my cousin, a graduate student. The university's huge towers and sweeping windows fascinated me, and I became an avid supporter of Duke's sports teams. As I grew older, I continued going to Duke for events like the Duke Splash program and the regional spelling bee.
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Madeline, don't concentrate your response on the extra curricular aspect of the Duke experience. What you want to discuss here is the well rounded Duke academic and social community. Try to mention something about the academic aspect of Duke. The course curriculum, the training, internships, and similar learning opportunities that you look forward to attending. Then say something about how you grew up going to the university with your cousin and that experience.Go over the word count for now. Call this your first draft of the statement response. After you write it, we can work on fitting everything you want to say in 150 words :-)
How's this?
As someone who wants to explore the United States and world, but first wants to get a quality education close to home, I am intrigued by Duke's national and international study abroad programs. I know the instruction I receive on campus will be unique because of the school's low faculty-to-student ratio and its thousands of courses. The U.S. News & World Report ranked Duke as the 8th best school in the country, so the school will certainly be able to provide me with a first-rate education.
I have led many organizations at my high school, and I hope to continue being an active member of my community in college. I have always picked up copies of The Chronicle whenever I've visited Duke's campus, and it would be an honor to get a job working for the newspaper myself. With over 400 organizations on campus, there will be plentiful opportunities to get involved.
Duke has played an important role in my life since I was a child, when I accompanied my cousin to the school while she did research. I've always admired its beautiful Gothic architecture, and I recently got to explore an obstacle course in Duke Forest during a Duke Splash program. A Yelp reviewer called this forest "one of those local gems that I believe is largely overlooked," and I have to agree. I hope to officially become a Blue Devil and discover many more of the university's secrets.
There are some punctuation problems (such as "overlooked," which must be changed to "overlooked",), so you will want to re-scan your essay for such errors.
Your first sentence doesn't seem to show a correct flow. I suggest you rephrase or rearrange the sentence (specially the "but...home" part in the middle.
Change "Instruction",on the 2nd line, to some other word. Perhaps to knowledge. "Instruction" doesn't seem right.
Change or remove "...its thousands of courses". You don't have to be a genius to see the error there.
Another suggestion I'll give you is to remove the rank of the school. They already know their rank, they are not looking for applicants to inform them about it. It might show them that you have done some research on the school, but I still its better to remove it.
"...beautiful Gothic architecture, and I recently got to ..." I suggest you make these separate sentences. "..beautiful Gothic architecture.I recently got to ..."
Good Ideas in the essay in general, though it is best if you can talk more about yourself and how you'd fit in , because that's what they want in their essay.
Be sure to check your essay for grammatical problems.
Sorry if there are lots of typos. I'm not using a PC.
I don't agree with the first part:
because of the school's low faculty-to-student ratio and its thousands of courses. The U.S. News & World Report ranked Duke as the 8th best school in the country, so the school will certainly be able to provide me with a first-rate education.
Admission officers know how good is Duke University. I advice you not to include this part. You are wasting words. Try something original something others did not write about