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"I arrived to a place of opportunities" - college essay prompt 1 for uc



luismarquez 2 / 2  
Nov 29, 2009   #1
Prompt #1

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

"Five years ago my mother, sister and I arrived to a place of opportunities, no-one in my family has gone to college, so I want to be the first one to succeed and become a leader to my siblings. From the first time we arrived I had a dream, "I wanted to have a better future for my family and I," but life always has obstacles, that my family hasn't been able to overcome: my father lost his job and hasn't been able to find one, my mother she is sick from a strange disease and doctors haven't been able to figure out, as a result she can't work and is receiving disability. I was unprepared for what the future had for my family and me. This dramatic change has thought me many things, that now I realize, my family's struggles has gave me the courage to become a stronger and more persistence person and student. From the first time I figure out that my family was in trouble and without an exit, my dreams and accomplishments banished. Illness of a parent and changes in life style, make myself think about quitting school and going into different directions. Everything started in my sophomore year, my grades started dropping, school wasn't that much important any more; I went from being an "A"and "B" student into a "C" student."I had just failed my teachers and family. How would I tell my eighth grade teachers "I'm not going to college, life is hard and unfair," How would I tell my parents "I give up." Now I was reflecting and analyzing my issues. I started to realize that I was just confused and mislead. My teachers and family helped me get in the right direction. This issue has made me a better person and able to make hard decisions "when problems seem to overcome you, never run from them but confront them," this is what I learned from this problem. Now I was ready to meet my dreams no matter how hard they seem. My sophomore year was a disaster but after a great lesson in my life. I was ready to meet my dreams no matter how hard they seem. Now each day I wake, I been having lots of responsibilities, for example: after school I have to clean the house, cook, take care of my siblings; because my dear mother can do nothing respect to her illness, and after this I have to do my homework. I also worked as a clerk during summer school at the end of my junior year. Now that I was seventeen years old I wanted to help my economically by bringing money to the table. This experience has made me a more responsible and mature person from others. I know that this experience is going to help in the near future. This awful experience has helped me shape my life and also challenge myself for further issues, but now I know what is important to me "getting higher education," I am ready for anything that comes into my way, this has prepared me for the future. Now that I am a senior I have even more reassurance into going to college and having my kids dream true "becoming a engineer." Without my family, friends, and teachers I don't know what other direction I would've taken. I know that my family's issues are going to inspire me to become a better student. My family has taught me to never give up, be responsible and have hope. I miss the days when my family had peace and had no economic problems, but I'm also thankful for having a family united even more when problems seem to overcome us. "When life is about to over trough you always stand taller" this is what my parents always told me. As life passed and problems seem to overcome, they don't actually mean that they are for the bad but to help you learn from them and always try to get the best out from problems. If you think negative, well you are going to get live, but if you think positive no matter how hard it is you will always succeed.

yang 2 / 278  
Nov 29, 2009   #2
Overall opinion: make some paragraphs, ask an English teacher to revise your essay, check your quotation marks/other punctuations

"but life always had obstacles that my family hasn't been able to overcome"

The essay is very real, but please incorporate some insight. Immigration is a very common theme, so expect many essays like yours. If you want to stand out, write what you thought about the process, not just what happened. You need to focus on your personal thinking.

What makes you different isn't that you had struggle. I mean, me too, I had struggle and I immigrated two times. If you didn't overcome those, then why are you even applying to UC? They don't want to know that you did whatever you did at school, but HOW you did it. HOW were you changed?

Remember, thousands of immigrants apply there.


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