The Aurora Borealis

Hey so the instructions state, "Please submit a brief essay (about a page), either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you".

Now I love the imagery and voice in my essay but I am not sure if I have included enough stuffing to let them see my personality. So please have at it! If there is grammar or any problems just let me know.

Oh also I was wondering if it needed a title? If so, any ideas?

As he sleeps we lightly make our way up the forest trail. The gurgle of the stream and distant crashing of the falls, calls to us through the darkness of night. On and on we run, watching our feet dart gingerly over logs, around trees and through the brush and our breath as it fogs the cool, morning air. The roar of the falls grows louder till it overcomes our panting breaths but we must hurry, he awakens soon. Finally, we stop... we are here. As we sprawl against the rocks, he awakens and we gradually gain sight across the valley as he rises from his bed in the east. The reds, oranges, purples and pinks brilliantly splash across the sky. Through the water his paints dance and play creating a daylight aurora borealis. Atop a mountain, in a forest, up a cliff, in a cave behind a waterfall, we watch a simple sunrise turned into a masterpiece.

Our journey back down the mountain is much more relaxed, joyous and filled with chatter about our experience. Back at Camp Mt. Adams we filed into a room, gathered around in a circle and listened to four simple words that have influenced who I am today and who I strive to be in life. John Norlin, my camp counselor and leader extraordinaire, simply turned to us and said, "What did you notice?". Immediately my fellow campers launched into stories about the beauty of the sunrise and all the colors, but John raised his hand for silence and I knew he was looking for something more, something deeper. "Did you notice the cooks arriving at 5:00 a.m. to make you food for the day? Did you notice the grounds keeper moving logs off the path so we could climb the mountain today? Who knows the name of the trail we took this morning?" As silence filled the room, we realized no one could answer his questions and at that moment I was hit with an epiphany. Awareness is what John was talking about and awareness is what has changed my life.

"See and See again" has been my motto ever since that moment and it's as if I have been given the gift of sight for the very first time: noticing the minute details, like new haircuts, or realizing when a friend or a stranger is just not feeling very well. When I focus on being aware, life becomes brighter with every moment. I have set a goal in life to help other people and being aware has shown me opportunities where even the smallest of gestures can make a huge difference in someone else's life. By changing this person's life I have then created the butterfly effect, "If one life touches another then potentially both lives are changed. If one life touches another then potentially the whole world is changed." Hopefully my passion for helping others is the one-drop that will start the waterfall of change that improves the world.

As the day comes to a close we head back to the path, stopping briefly to drop off gifts and cards to the cooks and the maintenance crew. While still listening to the trickling stream and dodging around bushes, our eyes now search the forest for anything and everything, capturing the beauty of the leaves, a distant deer and the Angel Falls trail sign. Up the mountain, through the forest, up a cliff, in a cave behind a waterfall we shared our stories of all we observed throughout the day. From fourteen different perspectives a panorama of the power of awareness and its effect on the world around us, displayed in our minds. As he lies down for the night and the stars glisten across the sky, we sit, we think, and we dream of hope for the future.

Your tenses are jumping--sometimes in the same sentence. Your writing is creative, but the grammar needs some polishing. Let me point out a few things that jump out at me:


There should be a comma after the word sleeps. I am not sure about the structure here using the pronoun he for the sun. It gets a little confusing when you use he for an inanimate object and we for a group of people in the same sentence. It might be better to come right out and say the sun in your first sentence and then let the pronouns take over.


There are a lot of visuals going on in just this one sentence and they get jumbled together. It might work better if you talk first about what your first are doing and then describe your breath in a separate sentence. Not all of your sentences need to be long and complex. In fact, a few shorter, simpler sentences would provide welcome variety.


Does the roar of the falls overcome your breath or the sound of your breathing? He awakens soon could stand as a sentence on its own. The way it is written is a comma splice. You could correct this by using a semicolon instead.


Usually, in the United States at least--it is different in Britain, there is a comma before the word and in a series like this. It is a style issue, but you should remain constant through your writing. There is at least one place later in your essay where you use that final comma in a series. Either include it or omit it, but do it the same way each time.


Comma after the word water. Maybe it is just my more scientific mind at play here, but the imagery of an aurora borealis isn't working for me. I am trying to piece together how the light would interact with the water and create colors/patterns in the sky that would look like an aurora. I am a geek, sorry.

I didn't get much further into the essay than that. I hope that what I said makes some semblance of sense. I had my wisdom teeth out today and I am still a little loopy. I do think that the essay tells enough about you, but it is slow to get to the point of the essay--you. Rework it a bit to introduce yourself earlier in the piece.

Wow, Eric, you are still giving some excellent feedback. I hope some of your teachers see your work here and appreciate you for it. Tell them I challenge them to help as much as you do.

Thank you very much. You gave some great feedback.

I had the idea, while reading this, that it will be better if you use more image words -- words that enable the reader to see a picture clearly -- especially near the start.