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'Baby, baby, baby' - Essay on self confidence - CommonApp


omnxbeast 1 / -  
Oct 28, 2011   #1
Please revise this or if it is just so terrible, let me know if you think I should write a whole new essay. Any help is MUCH appreciated.

Baby, baby, baby, ohhh, like baby, baby, baby, nooo...the words of Justin Bieber, sung by me, in front on a large number of peers, at a high school dance competition. I am a guy.

At the beginning of high school, like the rest of my life before, I would have rather died than do something so embarrassing. Aren't guys who like Justin Bieber "gay" or weird and who sings outside the shower? People might not like me if I did such a thing, and I would surely be judged, labeled and ridiculed. High school has taught me many things: how to integrate the cube root of x squared, who Godot might be, and how to read a Spanish novel, but how much high school has developed me as person is where I owe it most.

Until high school, I never had a girlfriend, I was apprehensive about meeting people or talking to adults, I was terrible at sports, but I really enjoyed staying inside playing video games-my refuge: a place where I could socialize with other people without anyone knowing what I looked like or even knowing my real name. I didn't have to live in a state of fear that someone might be watching or judging me unapprovingly.

Then came the first day at Fayetteville High School-a big, scary, foreign place to all sophomores, not just me! For once, I thought everyone was going to feel how I always did, I thought what an opportunity for me to feel like they normally do. It was a fresh start and I was going to be exactly who I was. Unfortunately, this is a lot easier in theory than in practice. There are all kinds of rumors and gossip that one must fight through in high school.

Sports, in particular football, provided me with a platform and an opportunity to develop my self-confidence, to develop as a person, and to overcome back-to-back seasons of adversity with a broken clavicle and then a third degree acromioclavicular joint separation (separated shoulder). From hardly ever seeing the field in junior high to playing on the varsity team as a sophomore, from being a person who avoided conversations to being elected team captain and speaking at assemblies in front of my large high school, football gave me a chance through hard work and determination to become a better person and a more well-rounded individual as I developed self-confidence. Additionally, working as a computer sales specialist at Best Buy has also helped me grow as a person. I truly care about the customers I help, and I am very honest with them and don't want them to buy something they don't really need. Being a good salesman, in short, is accomplished by being a good friend and developing trust. After a year and a half of work, I could sell a popsicle stick to a cat. Well, maybe. I can talk to anyone about anything. I am proud of who I am. It has taken me all of my three years here, but I would say with the utmost confidence that I am confident.

I was at that dance competition to cheer for our school's homecoming maid-of-honor, who happens to be who the school voted for me to escort as part of the homecoming court festivities, who is now my girlfriend. It's funny what self-confidence can do.

EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Oct 30, 2011   #2
Aren't guys who like Justin Bieber "gay" or weird? and who sings outside the shower?

...assemblies in front of my large high school, football gave me the chance through hard work and determination to become a better person and a more well-rounded individual, as I developed self-confidence.

After a year and a half of work, I could sell a popsicle stick to a cat.---This is awesome! My grandfather would say, he could 'talk a bulldog out of a bone'!

It has taken me all of my three years here, but I would say with the utmost confidence that I am confident.---Funny!

This is awesome, it shows you're intelligent, well spoken, and unique! Have you seen Napolian Dynamite? Your essay reminds me of that movie. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)
dumdeedumdeedoo 4 / 9  
Oct 30, 2011   #3
You realize the word limit is 500? I think this is a bit over, so be careful.
Your essay has good humor and is engaging.
Without knowing the prompt, it's hard to grade your content, but one thing I'd say is that you probably want to focus your essay on one thing a bit more.

I found no blatant spelling/grammar errors.

Good luck!
sonya15 4 / 29  
Oct 30, 2011   #4
ohh, ok

one more thing i noticed:

in front on a large number of peers, at a high school dance competition. I am a guy.

in front *of*

I'd appreciate any feedback you have time to provide for my essay :)
chipsahui 1 / 1  
Oct 30, 2011   #5
Did you know that "baby" is used 57 times in that song? I learned that from my Direct Hit book :)
PurpleBear 2 / 6  
Nov 7, 2011   #6
"who happens to be the one who the school voted... "

help with mine? :)
isabellaclaudia 14 / 31  
Nov 7, 2011   #7
i love your essay! i find it really engaging and it truly gives insight into your interests, perspectives, and way of thinking which is what a good essay is. but u managed to did that with sprinkles of humour.


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