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'Our baby' -University of California accomplishment essay


cooldudebill 1 / 4  
Oct 16, 2012   #1
Hi guys, plz go over my essays and check for any gramatical errors, inappropriate word usage and other problems!Thanks so much!! I'd be more than happy to review your's as well:)

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I've heard the squeals of a newborn and the salvos of a nation's founding ceremony; I've seen the excitement of the Millennium Countdown and the resplendence of the nascent sun. But never have I revered birth so much until December 17th, 2011ïźthe commencement of Reach Model United Nations Conference. As I stood before the rostrum addressing the eager audience before me, a flow of memories came gushing forth.

It was a picturesque time of year, flowers put on their last show of splendor; the sun idled back into the fluffy clouds; students sat on the porch drifting into the summer reverie. But I wasn't in for the serenity; I had a meeting to convene, something I've been hatching all summer. "Hey guys. Today is a day to forever remember in our school's MUN history, guess what." I deliberately waited a few seconds, while the bubbling urge threatened to explode. "14 directors as a working committee, 350 delegates from around the Yangtze River Delta Region, 5 topics spanning issues from the Safety of High-speed Railways in China to the European Debt Crises, 1 chance for glory", I sounded like an amateur show presenter, but I knew the effervescence made an impact. I could see it in those glistening eyes. I handpicked a fine crewïźthe most scholarly for academics, the most sociable for public affairs, the most diligent for conference matters, the most meticulous for financial affairs... As their duties were distributed, one obstacle stood in our way.

I have never been to the principal's office, it was a place shrouded with mystery, somewhere for welcoming prominent guests and government officials, but never for a troupe of students on a "sales" presentation. I spearheaded the presentation with a thorough analysis of the merits of hosting the conference. "I will introduce to you the three spheres of influence it will have...we will make Reach MUN a hallmark of our school." As my crew took turns introducing their work and envisions, the principal nodded along, his countenance changing from mild to enthusiastic, we scored a home run. While the approval was made in jubilance, I knew the gestation has started and there was no going back, the school's reputation was in our hands.

Three months to go before our baby was born, and it was my job to ensure everyone was on track. We formed a strict line of management and an accountability system. Advertising campaigns were held both within and out of campus. Dais members, academic counselors, and volunteers were recruited. In just a month, we had invitations, important notices and academic background guides sent to all delegates. But accompanied with the smooth flow of work, were the late nights, meticulous revisions of documents, constant status updates with school officials, and endless hours of answering delegate questions. So to hold this team together, I would often carry bags of refreshments from the school canteen, surreptitiously order KFC-as eating take out at school is not allowed, and host movie nights in my dorms. I've formed my own axiom through the process: to increase productivity, satisfy the tummy!

Days before the conference, conspicuous dark circles were around everyone's eyes, but deep down we were saturated with content. As country plates were neatly placed on every desk, conference handbooks, notepads, pens, souvenirs carefully sorted into paper bags, hotels and the school cafeteria prepared for guests, we were ready.

"I announce the beginning of Reach MUN, reach for the impossible!" I literally shouted the last four words as tears wetted my eyes. And I gazed at my team; they were all carrying that relieved smile of new parents.
iLuHWz - / 4  
Oct 17, 2012   #2
I have heard the squeals of a newborn and the salvos of a nation's founding ceremony; I have seen the excitement of the Millennium Countdown and the resplendence of the nascent sun.

But I was not in for the serenity; I had a meeting to convene, something I have been hatching all summer. "Hey guys. Today is a day to forever remember in our school's MUN history, guess what? "

"Fourteen directors as a working committee and 350 delegates from around the Yangtze River Delta Region,

five topics spanning issues from the Safety of High-speed Railways in China to the European Debt Crises, one chance for glory"

I spearheaded the presentation with a thorough analysis on the merits of hosting the conference.

As my crew took turns introducing their work and envisions, the principal nodded along, his countenance changing from mild to enthusiastic. We scored a home run.

I have formed my own axiom through the process: to increase productivity, satisfy the tummy!

* i learned lots of new vocab from this ;D well written and what an achievement you've accomplished for the school
* everything's nice, just remember the use of number in formal writing and no conjugations like i've, he'd, she'll, and so forth

* unsure if you should have "analysis of the merits" or "analysis on the merits"
OP cooldudebill 1 / 4  
Oct 17, 2012   #3
Hi, iLuHWz! Thanks so much for the help. Those were great suggestions, and the details can really count!


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