Looking back on how I handled that situation I should have acted differently - ethical dilemma essay

I have the basic idea of my essay below but it doesn't have a proper flow to it. This maybe do to the personal nature of the essay.

Please help me.

The topic is as follows:
Describe a setback or ethical dilemma that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? Most importantly, what did you learn about yourself and how would you handle a similar situation in the future?

In my freshman year, I was given the choice to say nothing or speak up for what I believed was right and possibly incur the wrath of my coach (Coach was very intense). Golf is a unique game in that the player is also their own scorer or in other words there is no referee to catch you in an infraction. If you incur a penalty, you must call this upon yourself this is not to say that your opponent can not inform you of your infraction. Unlike sports like football and baseball where athletes are encouraged to push the boundaries of the rules, golf is a sport of honor which requires you to trust your opponent while they are out of sight in the woods and visa versa.

After a few weeks on the team, the coach outlined his new strategy in a pre-match team meeting for the league championship. He told us to watch our opponents closely for any rules violations and if we saw an opponent about to make an infraction to let them make as many violations as possible before tallying up their penalties at the end. I believe this was prompted by my performance the previous week, I had warned my opponents that they are about to make an inadvertent mistake and they would have incurred a two stroke penalty (we lost the match by one point). After several seconds had passed with no one speaking up against this "new" strategy, I spoke up and stated that this was going against the spirit of the game. The look I got from coach and some of the other players was not a friendly. Under the intense stares, I was compelled to explain that I truly want my opponents to do their very best and I never want to beat an opponent over a technicality. Ideally, I want my victories to be based in the best performance not the luckiest bounces. At this the coach began to retract is statements an seemed quite flustered. He never spoke to me regarding my response but I felt that I had hurt his feelings and credibility with the team.

Although there were no negative repercussions for me; looking back on how I handled that situation I should have acted differently. I should have had a private moment with the coach and explained my viewpoint, thus giving him the opportunity to address the group with his revised ideas. I was able to compete on the team for 4 years and was able in my last two years as team captain to help new players understand the honor code and how important it is.

T, your essay will be quite unique to the reviewer because you are going to be discussing the gentlemanly sport of Golf. I have to say that for me, being a non-golfer, I found your work to be highly informative about the game and your explanation about the honor code impressive as not all sports function on a "word of honor" system. Now, I believe that the essay works well in terms of responding to the prompt requirement. You just need to adjust the presentation and conclusion parts.

For the presentation, we can skip editing the first paragraph. The way that you wrote that portion really helps to explain a lot of things about your dilemma later on and also gives a non-familiar reviewer a tutorial in the game and its rules. It is the second and succeeding paragraphs that we have to look at for revisions.

In order to make the essay more prompt responsive, I suggest that you start out by explaining your actions the previous week instead. That is the portion about how you warned the competitors about the errors they were about to make and how your team lost by one point because of it.

By discussing that portion first, your third paragraph will become the discussion about the new game play that your coach developed for the team. This will then offer a comparison between you, playing the gentlemanly sport and your coach, who was playing simply to win, at any cost and by any method. Thus making your dilemma quite clear to the reviewer once you present it.

The succeeding paragraph is alright. However, I am concerned by the fact that you do not show any repercussions for your actions. So it would seem that there was no lesson for you to be learned in that aspect. Although, you did say that you learned to reconsider your actions and decided that you should have approached the situation differently.

What is lacking in the essay at this moment is the last part of the prompt that asks you to consider if, faced with the same dilemma in the future, you would find yourself acting in the same manner. That should be dealt with as your concluding paragraph. Overall, this is a well thought out essay that just needs to be developed for coherence and cohesion. Good work on your part so far.

In the first paragraph, you are running a bit short. I suggest you move up the second paragraph and attach it to the currently stand alone sentence. That way you have a full introductory paragraph that really moves the essay along at a faster pace. Right now, I know you meant that sentence to be the hook for the reviewer, but it doesn't work because the sentence does not have any solid foundation or essence. My suggestion is meant to address that problem with the paragraph.

Consider now, the content of the current last paragraph. You need to offer solid evidence of how your teammates treated you like an outcast. Explain how you felt and if you were able to overcome their treatment. Meaning, that you were able to make them treat you better or whatever happened to your relationship with them. This will respond properly to the "How did the outcome affect you?" portion of the prompt.

Finally, you should write a new conclusion that addresses how you would deal with the situation in the future. Explain (if possible) how you plan to join the golf varsity team of the university and explain how you would handle the situation differently if the same situation should come your way again.

I think that the application of the aforementioned revisions should help to finalize the content of your essay. Good luck with your application!