Balance - UBC Tell us about who you are.

I'm applying to UBC and this is what I've written for the first question as of the moment. I'm not sure about the opening of the essay as well as the tone, so I was hoping I could get some help here.

Prompt:

Tell us about who you are.

How would your family, friends and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (1500 Characters)

Hello, my name is Allan Hu. Some of my titles would be the youngest sibling of a family of four, a second-generation Chinese immigrant, a student at Western Canada High School, a programmer, or a gamer. Those do describe me, but who really am I?

My family would tell you that I'm mild-mannered but strong in my beliefs, someone who does work when it's needed and helps when he can. My classmates at high school would tell you that I'm funny and amiable, but that I get serious when it comes to school work and am very studious. At the place that I volunteered as a junior ski instructor at during the winter, Calgary Olympic Park, the staff would tell you that I am a bright, driven volunteer who doesn't slack off. That, while I followed instructions as well as I could, I always looked for opportunities to apply myself. Actually, a staff member once told me that "[I was] the best volunteer [they'd] ever had." That... was very flattering. People that I work together with on group projects or during Hackathons might tell you that I was a leader; organizing and directing and always working with them to get the best out of them.

If you ask me, I'm a balance of all of those things. Knowing when to lead and when to follow, how to work hard and how to take breaks, focusing on intellect or emotion; all of these traits have two sides of them that need to be balanced. I feel that I have achieved a good balance in these traits and that is something I am most proud of.

As far as I am concerned, this is a very good example of successfully blending all your positive traits, across different social settings, into one reference of what and why you are proud of something you have done. The way the essay was developed in an inter-related manner is proof of your development as a person. You have managed to highlight how yo uare viewed through your actions, which directly relate to a mental and social maturity that could very well blend into the UBC student community. If there is anything I would change though, it is the unnecessary introduction you made of yourself and your family background at the very start. You could have better used that word count to further strengthen the last paragraph. It is important that you avoid unnecessary references in a word limited essay. Use every word to highlight the actual focus, do not divert the attention of the reader. Do not leave any important aspects under explained or developed. Your last paragraph would definitely benefit from additional information after the introduction is deleted. Overall, still a good job.

@Holt

Thank you for the response!

This is my first time using this website so I am not sure if this is the correct place to post my changes or if I should at all, but I decided that I should anyways:

I have changed my introduction to be just this: If you asked people in my life about who I was, you might receive some differing answers.

Then added a bit of information on why I am proud of balance in my life in the last paragraph:

If you ask me, I'm a balance of all of those things. Knowing when to lead and when to follow, how to work hard and how to take breaks, focusing on intellect or emotion; all of these traits have two sides of them that need to be balanced: a philosophy seen in the Chinese Yin Yang. I believe that this balance is tantamount to every facet of life, whether it be work, socializing, or anything else. I feel that I have achieved a good balance in these traits and that is something I am most proud of.

I would appreciate feedback on if this is better or not!