Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
Becoming a knight is an opportunity of a lifetime for me. UCF campus is not only a paradise but also provides open doors to fulfill a persons dream. Since I was a child it was my destiny to become someone in the medical profession. The burning desire that is embedded with my soul screams at me to minimize the pain that people suffer. I could reminisce back to when I had patients in my little plastic house; wrapping them as a mummy , giving them coodie shots, and prescription skittles. In order to make a difference in the world, relieving distress within people is the best path for me. UCF is a young school with wise education as an ivy league school. The diversity in Miami is something to grow accustomed to, and Orlando fits that description for me to feel like home is only five minutes away. Cooperation is encouraged at this university, without it nothing wouldn't be able to be finished. Because of my experience with diversity its my state of nature to work well with others, leading to the chances of me joining Volunteer UCF, or take on an internship. UCF gives every student to explore the 12 colleges that they provide including a brand new college of Medicine. Which is extremely beneficial to students with my passion. Being my first choice, I would be proud to represent the silver armor of UCF, and I'm positive UCF would be proud of me.
can you guys help me change the ending because it seems like im begging to be admitted, I want it to seem as if UCF is lucky that they are my choice PLEASE HELP.. be blunt, and as rude as you want to be! thanks
When reading your paragraph, it kind of seemed as if everything you thought about the school was jumbled together which made it seem slightly incoherent. I have the feeling that you were worried about the word count/character limit, and if you WERE, DON'T! When it comes to word counts and character limits, worry about them AFTER you feel as if you've said everything you needed to say (you can always delete/rewrite what you've written). As crazy as that sounds, it works - TRUST ME!
As for the 'edited' paragraph at the bottom, you'll see that it still has your ideas from the original; I simply tweaked it a bit to make it flow somewhat better. I excluded the part about Miami/Orlando because I wasn't sure if you were comparing two campuses or the different aspects of ONE (you'll want to make that more clear if you plan on using that part in your essay). As for worrying about the last sentence, I moved it to the beginning of the paragraph and created a new ending sentence so you can get a different view of how you can end it.
Also! I've included the word count/character limit at the end so you'll know how long it is.
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University of Central Florida was - and still is - my first choice for college. I would be honored to represent the silver armor of UCF as it would be the opportunity of a lifetime for me. I view UCF campus as a paradise that provides open doors to fulfill anyone's dreams. I can reminisce back to when I was younger, pretending my dolls were patients in the little plastic house I made a hospital. I would wrap them up in 'bandages', giving them cootie shots and prescription skittles. Ever since then, I believe it has been my destiny to become someone special in the medial profession; the burning desire that is embedded into my soul screams for me to minimize the pain and relieve any distress people suffer. I also believe that my experience with diversity will help me to efficiently work well with others, which could increase the chances of me joining Volunteer UCF or taking an internship. I like how UCF gives every student the chance to explore the 12 colleges they provide, including the brand new College of Medicine which is extremely beneficial to students with my passion. I also find the idea of cooperation being encouraged at this school intriguing because without it, nothing would be able to get accomplished. With my passion for medicine and the great opportunities UCF has to offer, I conclude that both I and the staff of the school would benefit from me attending.
EDITED - Word Count/Characters: 244/1392
Grammar is an issue, but I feel it is best that you do a rewrite from the ground up. The prompt asks you to tell why you applied to UCF. You do that, but the essay fails to teach the university anything about you. They don't need praise from you; they want to hear about what makes you a good candidate for admission.
Here are some grammar notes:
The UCF campus
person' s dream
Since I was a child, it was my destiny
wrapping them as a mummies (unless you wrapped them all up together as one mummy)
coot ie shots
prescription S kittles
UCF is a young school with wise education as an ivy league school. The diversity in Miami is something to grow accustomed to, and Orlando fits that description for me to feel like home is only five minutes away. (Not sure what is going on here, but the sentences aren't working.)
without it nothing wouldn't be able to be finished. double negative
Because of my experience with diversity, it' s my state of nature to work well with others, leading to the chances (as in horse racing? poker? "leading to the chances" doesn't make sense) of me joining Volunteer UCF, or taking on an internship.
UCF gives every student (The opportunity?) to explore
12 spell out
Which is extremely beneficial to students with my passion. sentence fragment
We were posting at the same time, Alexis. I just wanted to say the the rewrite is significantly better. You did a great job of taking the original and making it more coherent.
For my opinion, I don't think you tell them anything specific things about why you apply for UCF. I think you should put more detail reason why you choose UCF for you 1st choice.
The way you write it makes me believe that your experiences playing with doctor dolls was the groundwork for your passion to go into medicine. I don't think that's a great way to put it.
the burning desire that is embedded into my soul screams for me to minimize the pain and relieve any distress people suffer.
It's good you're trying to express your zeal for helping people, but juxtaposing your "burning" desire and soul's "screams" next to the pain and distress other people suffer from sounds a bit unusual.
juxtaposing your "burning" desire and soul's "screams" next to the pain and distress other people suffer from sounds a bit unusual.
Good point! When I first read the essay, I didn't like that sentence, but I didn't spend time analyzing
why I didn't like it. You hit the nail on the head.
Notoman
the essay topic says "why did you choose ucf" I thought that they would want to hear about why I choose it not how i would be a good candidate for them
yes I agree. Your essay shows information about your career goals, but doesnt emphasize much on the reason why you want to attend this university
You mention that UCF was and is your first choice. You might want to elaborate on why it was your first choice for college in the first place, not just why you still want to go there.
Try to come up with some better phrasing than "I like how" in "I like how UCF gives every student..."