I began to serve in the Hope House - UBC 'activities' essay

Hi, please evaluate, critique, and give me suggestions.
Prompt:

Tell us more about ONE or TWO activities listed above that are most important to you

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Please explain the role you played and what you learned in the process. You will be asked for a reference who can speak to your response. (maximum 350 words)

We are often ungrateful of being "normal." We take privileges such as having eyes to see, ears to hear, or parents for granted and never see the values in it until we lose it. We fail to notice that millions of people can not enjoy these privileges. For the children in Hope House, an orphanage I served since 11th grade, they did not have the opportunity to talk, eat, or laugh with their parents. Last year, only one of my friend and I went to the Hope House on a regular basis to clean the place or play with the children. Starting this August, about twenty students began to serve in the Hope House; two "buddies" to take care of for one and a half hours were assigned to each students. Two sixteen years old boys, Chatchai and Wootichai, were assigned to me. While others played card games or jenga, we played soccer, handball, and ultimate frisbee in the field. Despite the language barrier, we laughed and sweat together. As time advanced, my affection and responsibility toward them grew. I wanted to put everything to entertain and give joy to them for the limited time I had. Honestly at first, I attended this community service to put it in the resume, but now, it means more than just a few words in the resume. Of the numerous lessons I learned from the experiences in Hope House, the most memorable takeaway that made me reproach myself was to appreciate the current situation. Every children in Hope House were always smiling, and I believe this is possible because they were grateful of the given situation. I, as an individual with high expectations in academics, was never satisfactory of the grades, SAT, and TOEFL scores I received. This character motivated me to study more, but it also brought frustration and sorrow which agonized me throughout my four years of high school. Only when I was thankful for the smallest aspects in life, I realized that happiness was not a fairy tale.

Maybe you shouldn't say that you started volunteering there as a resume builder at first. You talk about how the children were happy despite their situation maybe relate it you and how you realized that you should be happy with everything you have despite your desire to always work harder.

Paul, you should revise the essay to include the name of the person who will be interviewed at Hope House to verify your claims. Adjust the essay to include a brief description of who that person is, what his position is at the Hope House, and how working with him helped you better deal with the 2 boys who were assigned to you. That way you can clearly show that you had a long learning process and had to overcome certain difficulties in dealing with the boys before they became open enough to let you into their lives. It is important to mention the person because he will be asked to verify your claims so the depth of your relationship with your referee should be implied in this essay also. Overall, the essay is strong in terms of the role you played and what you learned so you don't have to worry about that part. Just try to develop the referee portion for now. Removing the first sentence in the presentation would be a good idea because the focus of the essay should immediately be on the activity instead of a long introduction to it. Focus on the important aspects. You have the word count with which to do that anyway.