Guys, I hope u can help me out with this essay. Any kinds of comments and critiques would be much appreciated, especially about the idea of the essay. Does this answer the prompt properly? which part needs to be strengthen? Thank you in advance! =))
Here is the prompt anyway :
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
The Best in the Box
June 2010: time of a life changing-vacation. Before, it was veneration that drove me to accord to my father's suggestion of pursuing my study in the U.S. Only after the vacation did I realize how much I yearn for the opportunity to study there.
I stayed at my uncle's place. I was scheduled to attend some colleges' campus tours, including Rice University, UT Austin, and Texas A&M- I guess those are about all they got in Texas. Rice University was the first. I had a pen at one hand and was ready to take notes, but I was hopelessly in awe the whole session and did not manage to even fill up half the paper. I was completely absorbed, while my mind flashed back to my own country and its education system occasionally. The speaker was talking about some researches they have done that received national and even international ...
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Sorry but there is not nearly enough in here about wisconsin. You need to add things that are specific to the university and things that will make them be like "yes she is different and will bring something unique to the university." I don't know how you will be able to achieve that, but talking about schools in texas the whole time maybe isn't the best thing. I would suggest talking about where you live and the education system there and how that has given you a different perspective and how that will allow you to bring diversity to wisconsin.
I see.
Thank you for the input. I was kinda confused with the prompt, so I guess I'm not answering it well.
I'll see what I can do with this..thanks a lot, anyway=))
I've been told the my 1st draft wasn't quite answering the prompt, and I agree, since I myself find it kinda hard to answer this prompt. I've tried to revise the whole essay and come out with this one, I hope I made an improvement.=))
pls tell me if this one has answered the prompt well =)) thanks heaps!
I am a high achiever person. In my hometown, Indonesia, I always try and able to make the best out of everything. Being ranked the 1st all 3 years in junior high and continued to maintain top ranks during high school definitely made me complacent, especially since all those schools I attended were one of the nation's best. And if I wanted to, I could get in to the best university in Indonesia through direct admission just like how I got in to my junior and high school; but I denied the offer. Commend from teachers, friends, and parents of my academic achievements has become a trite; yet I felt like there was something missing in the definition of learning that I perceived. Only later did I find out I was lack of well-roundedness. It is a stereotype of Indonesia's education system; they put so much pressure in academic performance that it overshadows non-academic activities. This issue nosed up more distinctly when I juggled through U.S. colleges' applications; there were so many blank spaces to write about my activities, yet I could not help but to leave most of them wasted.
Though I was aware of my education system's flaw, the revelation inevitably deprived me at first, but at the end it empowered me. I want to go for internship, campus organization, discussion forum, student exchange program, research, and a lot more. I want to understand American literature, other cultures, and be a part of the diversity. I have no other places I want to study at other than the U.S., specifically at University of Wisconsin, Madison. My cousin, who also graduated from my high school, is an alumni; she told me how studying at University of Wisconsin, Madison has allowed her to thrive. Her story of how her astounding 4 years of study at UW-Madison has altered her perspective and made her a whole new better person made me crave for such holistic education; it is like the pieces of the puzzle have been put together and I can conjure up vividly an ideal learning experience I will get if I am accepted.
An insatiable thirst for a well-rounded education is my unique contribution to the University of Wisconsin-Madison. I will embrace and appreciate every opportunity that is offered because I know how it feels to want something that even with all your sweat shed and muscles' strained, still seems intangible. I have been deprived of my ideal picture of learning all my times here; but as there is always a positive side even in such drawbacks, I learn how I can appreciate better and learn more through it. It is as if I have been given water all my life, of course, I would jump higher at the opportunity of drinking milk than those who have had milk all their life.
I'm just humbly saying my opinion for your revised essay.
I think your revised essay did not answer the question ' How your presence in UW will enrich our community'. I felt like you just wrote how bad you wanna get in to Wisconsin.
So, if you add more thing from your first draft to your revised essay, i humbly think your essay will get better.
Thanks.
Thank you for the input! I know it's off topic=((
I've thought it over and eventually got a better idea for the topic.
so, I kind of change the whole essay.
thanks anyway =))
I am a high achiever person. In my hometown, Indonesia, I always try and able to make the best out of everything. Being ranked the 1st all 3 years in junior high and continued to maintain top ranks during high school definitely made me complacent, especially since all those schools I attended were one of the nation's best. And if I wanted to, I could get in to the best university in Indonesia through direct admission just like how I got in to my junior and high school; but I denied the offer. Commended by teachers, friends, and parents of for my academic achievements, I nevertheless has become a trite; yet I felt like there was something missing in the definition of learning that I perceived way I was learning. Only later did I find out I was lacking well-roundedness.
(Start a new paragraph)
A stereotype applies to Indonesia's education system; they put so much pressure in academic performance that it overshadows non-academic activities.---This is a good sentence!!
In the last paragraph, write about the way you can contribute. You can contribute not only your scholarly diligence but also your unterstanding of the importance of well-roundedness.
:-)
Thanks a lot Kevin=)