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'bonding with my family' - UC Prompt #1 My world (community, family and culture)

Lmanuel 1 / -  
Nov 26, 2009   #1
*** I still need a conclusion. I need help developing the metaphor (fog) of the essay especially in the conclusion. Any ideas? Anything will help. Thanks for reading!! I will be glad to help with your essays!

Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

A normal day's weather forecast of Pacifica, California would consist of thick foggy skies, possible rain showers and chilling temperatures. These weather conditions may seem the least bit favorable, yet it is what characterizes this small town as one of a kind. Living in Pacifica all my life, I have grown accustomed to the one characteristic that distinguishes my coastal hometown--fog. I have learned to embrace the constant flow of daily fog and see past the condensed mist .Now, at the sight of fog I feel comfort and am instantly reminded of the years I have spent in Pacifica. The fog that has blanketed me all my life has fostered experiences that have formed the basis of my world.

Growing up in a tight knit community, I have been fortunate enough to have been raised in a nurturing environment. Whether it is the small town dynamic or strong city pride, Pacificans share a true concern for one another. This bond is evident through annual festivities, town meetings, and common day interactions. My community's support for one another has helped create the motivated person that I am. The people who surround me serve as an encouragement to achieve success in every endeavor I embark upon. I know that if I stumble along the way, I have a large support system to help me keep moving. My sense of community alongside my Catholic ideals has also helped form my initiative to help others. Attending a Jesuit high school, I have been instilled with the importance of, "being with and for others." I express my school's motto by volunteering within marginalized communities and living in solidarity with the less fortunate. Valuing the human dignity each person holds prompts me to act upon the many injustices that are present in this world. Both my community and faith have given me an awareness of my power to affect change in other people lives.

Perched on a steep hill overlooking the ocean, my house is filled with Filipino traditions that have been passed down from generations before my time. My parents have made sure to expose me and my brother to our culture in hopes of preserving memories of our ancestry. Whether it is by celebrating birthdays with long rice noodles or eating an assortment of Filipino delicacies, our culture is fully integrated into our daily lives. I hold close my identity as a Fillipino-American, for it constitutes my point of view. I am forever rooted in the Filipino values of acceptance, hard work, and family. My culture has primed me to be hospitable and welcoming towards all. I embrace the diversity around me and am always open to encounters with new people. In addition, my parents' immigrant story is one that resembles many other Filipino families. The hardships my parents had to endure in order to create a better life for themselves, continues inspires me to work hard. I know that with hard work and passion, I can achieve the impossible. I cherish my family's presence in my life because they are the people whom I most trust. Despite how busy may schedule may be, I always set time aside to bond with my family. With a firm grasp on my culture, I able to stay grounded. Whenever times get tough, I know that I need continue on in order to continue the growth of my family's cultural lineage.
KVINN - / 1  
Nov 26, 2009   #2
The prompt says to describe your family, community, OR school, so you need to choose just one.

As for the rest of the prompt, you need to address how your world (Whichever you decide) shaped your dreams & aspirations. The people who are reading your essay know that it shaped them, but not how it shaped them.
jamiexc 2 / 4  
Nov 27, 2009   #3
You seem to describe a lot by telling. Use more SHOWING, and the personal statement shouldnt be a place to talk about your accomplishments and extracurriculars- that is in your application.

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