"Born in France" - UC prompt 1 and 2

Good evening,

I have (as many students) some prompt to do for the UC.
Pleaze check my faults I probably done for each of them and if you can comment the prompts.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

It is a difficult question for me to describe the world where I come from. And the answer is even more than I never did this exercice before.

However, I know that the origin is a very recurring question.

I was born in the last century, in France, near Paris, seventeen years ago.
My name is Johan Hellman. I owe my Swedish name to my father who arrived in France from Sweden when he was twelve. His father is Swedish and his mother is French as me.

I live with those two cultures and it is a chance. People, in Europe, think that the Swedish and the French are the same. I do not agree totally. It exists a very small difference between them, that is why it is difficult to put the hand above

Swedish have perhaps more humour, kindness and they are more turned to the nature.
French like speaking and discussing. Their discussions are endless sometimes. In a group, in a coffee shop there is always two who make a verbal duel, and the others listen to them.

It is true that sometimes, they grumble a little, criticize everything, but they have so many other qualities.

Since I am a baby, I live with the American Flag above my head.
An old american flag, my father bought in a flea market somewhere in San Francisco where he lived during one year to study.
Forty eight stars shining around me since seventeen years. An American Flag made in 1912.
When I look at this flag, I think liberty, freedom, pride.

I enjoy to go to school to study. I am in a European class which means that since three years we learn more English especially in history and geography.

I am living in Evreux, in Normandy and my school is a big one with two thousand four hundred students.
I go to school from Monday to Saturday. The program is loaded with thirty five hours plus the homework and since this year, the United states college exam.

No enough place for me to meet my friends, play drum or guitar or doing sports. I praticed rugby last year.
But it is certainly a good way of training for my higher education and it is a good stimulating. School gives education and socialization. My favorite subjects are the economics and math.

I am lucky to grow in good environment with my parents.
My parents have really a great impact on me. They learnt me that nothing acquires itself easily because if it is too much easy, you forget it quickly. They have their own very small business company and are working hard to give us the best chance to success.

Thanks to them, I have the luck to meet people from different countries and to travel. I sometimes go to Sweden, visit Irland where live my cousins, do exhange with an italian guy (as I learn italian).

My friends at school are also from different environment or religions, what learns to be tolerant.

All those differents roots around me will help me in my future adult life and for the rest of my life.
Are roots not important as they are the pillars of the nature ? This is true for plants and more for people.
Stronger are the roots, stronger is the base of the life.

My parents taught me work, tolerance and patience. School taugh me education, to become a citizen, it gives me the value of the life.
With all these qualities that I now possess, I will continue to pursue my dream. Perhaps one day I will be able to hang another star : the Fifty one.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

This summer changed my life. My parents gave me the wonderful present I never had : a plane ticket to San Francisco for two weeks. It was my first long trip alone and my dream become reallity.I can not explain why but...the bay area always facinated me.

I was finally going to discover the Bay bridge.
I was amazing by it, reconizing the landscapes I saw on my father's books when I was a kid.
I spent those days with my parents friends, a couple of journalist and photographer living in San Francisco next to Union Street.
Each day, I met some diffenrent people : an UC Berkeley professor, other journalists, some Berkeley graduates students and a new feeling invaded me : I was falling in love of this place and this new way of life. I walked a lot alone to discover San Francisco and its streets.

I decided to visit Berkeley. I have already heard about it known all over the world for its university and its quality of its education.

Then I went back alone to UC Berkeley took informations papers for internationals students and continued searches on internet. For the first time of my life, I heard about the SAT Reasoning Test and the SAT Subject Test.

In September, back home, I bought some books to prepare the tests. I started to study it and in the same time, I started my school year. I studied during the evening and the weekend after homeworks.

I developped a real motivation to study at UC Berkeley, institution I consider more than a simple college as many good ones.
But unfortunately, I began to start the exams a bit latter in comparison with some others french I met who began revision some month ago.

If my scores are not safisfactory this time, the motivation will not leave me and I will focus on a french college which practice one or two years exchange with UC Berkeley.

This trip in San Francisco shown me a value I did not distinguish before, the perseverance I can have for things I believe important.

(I have got a total of +/- 950 words for the two essays)

Thanks a lot,
Johan

Good afternoon :)

First, some mechanical comments. Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "so," "but," or "and."

"Since I am a baby" should be "Since I was a baby."

"I enjoy to go to school to study" should be "I enjoy going to school and studying."

Italian is a proper noun and should be capitalized.

Your grammar is pretty rough, and to help with that , I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here. Also, the Little Brown Compact Handbook by Jane E. Aaron is a great book to help with grammar and mechanics, if you can get a copy; I don't know if you can find this one as easily at a library.

In regards to content, I believe you have a good start to both of these pieces. In regards to the second piece, what about this trip to California makes you proud, and how did it change the person you are now?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

I rewrote prompt 2 (the first one will come tomorrow, a bit busy with a philosophy essay today....)

here a part of the second prompt,

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

Is it off topic or in a good way to answer the question?

I believe that I never became used to a city so fast. Even not Paris. And nevertheless, Paris, I was born in Paris ! I mean, where else in the world can you do half a million things all in a quarter to three ?

Here it is hippie land.People are really cooler than in any other big city which I know!
People do not run in the street. Even if the need to catch buses, streetcars and the world famous cable buses which cross hills.
And then, people also speak to each other in the street, in the buses Not only with the tourists. They speak to each other between them too.

Well, it is sure that if, besides, you plant you on a pavement, the frantic look with your Lonely Planet, you are assured that a charitable soul is going to come to your help in the minute which follows.

One day I accepted - while I already had it - a guide BART on behalf of an unknown who claimed me that it was the best free plan of the city. That so pleased her to offer it to me!

The experience of this journey is incomparable for me. It gave me autonomy, opening of spirit and maturity. I returned back to France full off hopeful and envy. I felt grows and loan to begin my adult's life.

Good evening :)

I think you've got a good start here. How does this experience make you proud? What did it have to do with making you the person you are today? You begin to touch on this last one, but the admissions board will be looking for some pretty deep self-evaluation in this regard.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

I correct the first prompt , tell me if you see errors still present.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

II find it very difficult to describe the world where I come from. And I find it all the more difficult as I have never done this exercice before.

However, I know that where you come from is an important, reccurent question.

I was born in the previous century, in France, near Paris, seventeen years ago.
My name is Johan Hellman. I owe my Swedish name to my father who arrived in France from Sweden when he was twelve. His father is Swedish and his mother is French same my mother.

I live with these two cultures and it is a reel opportunity. People, in Europe, think that the Swedish and the French are the same. I do not agree totally. There is a very small difference between them, that is why it is difficult define it.

The Swedish have perhaps a greater sense of humour, they are kinder and they are closer to nature.

The French like speaking and discussing. Their discussions are sometimes endless. In a group, in a coffee shop you vill often see two people "duelling", and the others listen to them.

It is true that sometimes, they grumble a little, criticize everything, but they have so many other qualities.

Since I was a baby, I have lived with the American Flag above my head.
An old American flag my father bought in a flea market somewhere in San Francisco where he spent one year studying.
Forty eight stars shining around me for seventeen years. An American Flag made in 1912.
When I look at this flag, I think of liberty, freedom, pride.

I enjoy going to school to study. I am in a European class which means that for three years we have been learning more English, especially in history and geography.

I am living in Evreux, in Normandy and my school is a big one with two thousand four hundred students.
I go to school from Monday to Saturday. The timetable is heavy with thirty five hours plus homework and since this year, the United States college exam.

Not enough time for me to meet my friends, play the drums or the guitar or doing sports. I practiced rugby last year.
But it is certainly a good way of training for my higher education and it is a good stimulus. School gives education and socialization. My favorite subjects are economics and mathematics.

I am lucky to grow up in a good environment with my parents.
My parents really have a great influence on me. They taught me that nothing can be acquired easily because if it is too easy, you forget it quickly. They have their own very small business company and are working hard to give us the best means to succeed.

Thanks to them, I have the opportunity to meet people from different countries and to travel. I sometimes go to Sweden, visit Ireland where my cousins live, have an Italian pen-friend (as I learn Italian).

My friends at school are also from different environments or religions, which teaches me to be tolerant.

All these different roots around me will help me in my future adult life and for the rest of my life.
Are not roots important as they are the pillars of nature ? This is true for plants and even for people.
The stronger are the roots, the stronger the basis of life is.

My parents taught me the values of work, tolerance and patience. School gave me education, helped me to become a citizen, and to assess the value of life.

With all these qualities that I now possess, I will continue to pursue my dream. Perhaps one day I will be able to hang another star : the Fiftieth one.

and the second, another time changing for a better one ( I hope)

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

This summer 2008 changed my life. My parents gave me the wonderful present I had never had : a plane ticket to San Francisco for two weeks. It was my first long trip alone and my dream became reality. I can not explain why but...USA and the bay area of San Francisco had always fascinated me. I was going to live at friend's of my parents.

I spent those days with my parents friends living there.
I believe that I never became used to a city so fast. Even not Paris. And nevertheless, Paris, I was born in Paris ! I mean, where else in the world can you do half a million things all in a quarter to three ?

Here it is hippie land.People are really cooler than in any other big city which I know!
People do not run in the street. Too many hills perhaps !
And then, people also speak to each other in the street, in the buses Not only with the tourists. They speak to each other between them too.

Well, it is sure that if, besides, you plant you on a pavement, the frantic look with your Lonely Planet, you are assured that a charitable soul is going to come to your help in the minute which follows.

One day I accepted - while I already had it - a guide BART on behalf of an unknown who claimed me that it was the best free plan of the city. That so pleased her to offer it to me!

Each day, I met some different people and a new feeling invaded me : I was falling in love of this place and this new way of life. I walked a lot alone to discover the streets and I decided to visit Berkeley.

I went also to UC Berkeley took all informations necessary for the registration.

I have developped a real motivation for studying at UC Berkeley and I began to study the SATs.If my scores are not safisfactory this time, I will not lose my motivation and I will focus on a French college which has a one or two year exchange with UC Berkeley in its curriculum.

The experience of this journey is incomparable for me. It gave me autonomy, opening of spirit and maturity. I returned back to France full off hopeful and envy. I felt ready to start my adult's life. It showed me a value I was not aware of before : the perseverance I can have for things I believe important.

Thanks a lot for your help.
(and do not hesitate to correct grammar and spelling faults.)

TOO MUCH STORY

You need more reflection. Cut back on the story.

What did you learn? How did it change you?

10% story, 90% reflection

I rewrote the second prompt and tried to follow your help :

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

This summer 2008 changed my life. My parents gave me the wonderful present I had never had : a air ticket to San Francisco for two weeks. It was my first long trip alone and my dream became reality. I can not explain why but... USA and the bay area of San Francisco have always fascinated me. I was going to live at friend's of my parents.

I believe that I never became used to a city so fast. Even not Paris. And nevertheless, Paris, I was born in Paris !
I observe people more than I do usually in France and I saw them speak to each other in the street, in the buses. Not only with the tourists. They speak to each other between them too.

I am myself a little bit distant and I was surprised that I spoke with people I never met before.
People from different culture and background.

After those fifteen days in San Francisco and for the first time, I had the impression to understand what I would like to make, where I would like to go.

It gave me autonomy, opening of spirit and maturity. I returned back to France full off hope and envy. I felt ready to start my adult life. It shown me a value I was not aware of before : the perseverance I can have for things I believe important.

I understood that it is necessary to have a purpose to advance and that the motivation is very important.I grew. I also matured. I think that I am now ready and more stronger for the next challenges in my life.

I became more realistic and pragmatic. I think that it is possible to change things to make them better and I was already able to notice progress in my own life and in various places. But it is necessary to act and to work in this direction. Things will not improve of themselves in time.

That is why I have developped a real motivation for studying at UC Berkeley and that is why I began to study the SATs.

All you need is one good introductory sentence that says something like: The world that has shaped my dreams and aspirations has included...

That way, no one will say you neglected the prompt.