Brandeis being a Jewish affiliated university, I felt that I being a Muslim would make me an outcast

Why would you like to attend Brandeis? (250 words or fewer) HELP!!!

I'm applying to Brandeis University as a transfer. I really love this college. This is my rough draft, and its maxed at 250. I need help on any mistakes that I have made. I did my best to delete any errors, however an extra pair of eyes would most certainly help. I remained pretty genuine with my experience. Please let me know if everything flows correctly, and most of all makes sense. THANK YOU !!!

Melodies of the Erhu (or Chinese violin), strokes of traditional characters, and brush paintings of mystical landscapes resonated with my young mind profoundly after watching too many re-runs of the movie,Rush Hour. Needless to say, my youthful mind became charged, and empowered through curiosity to learn more about the culture of Hong Kong, and China respectively. As each memory of my life painted a picture of my past, Asian culture has been a major influence in my career ambitions, and Brandeis University is a part of those aspirations.

Your institution carries a heavy emphasis on being a part of something bigger than one's self. Furthermore, the prominence on community service is appealing; along with various student clubs that encompasses Asian culture attracts me. At that moment, I realized that Brandeis University believes in global citizenship just as I do. Unlike many other colleges, Brandeis's vision was established and has always sought to protect ethnic, religious and racial minorities while prioritizing justice, equality, and social change.

However, Brandeis being a Jewish affiliated university, I felt that I being a Muslim would make me an outcast. Until, reading reviews on various college websites from Brandeis alumnus and current students. The comments are extremely positive, and illustrates a welcoming culture. From those individual college reviews, I saw proof in Brandeis's vision. Brandeis is right for me because I will contribute to those values through curiosity to learn the unknowing, and helping those in need while doing so. Thank you for this opportunity.

When you are asked to explain why you are interested in attending any university in general, the reviewer does not expect to read a rehash of what they already know about their university. Rather, they would like to learn about how your desire to attend the university has influenced your life and how you plan to help them improve their student community should you be allowed to enroll in their university. The essay that you wrote, in my opinion, still needs work. I understand that you were honest in your response and that honesty is quite important to the essay. However, there is an important aspect that you need to reconcile in the essay so that you can successfully explain your desire to attend Brandeis.

It would be interesting to read how your personal journey in choosing a university led you to Brandeis. Once you can make your personal journey resonate with the objectives of the university, you will be able to develop an almost perfect response to the prompt. Using the movie viewing to open the essay is a good touch. However, that paragraph seems to be disconnected from the prompt requirements. How exactly does Brandeis fit into this particular event in your life? Make the connection to make the paragraph more effective and eye catching.


- I suggest that you reword this particular paragraph because it sounds like it came straight out of the student brochure rather than your thoughts. You mentioned that Asian culture attracts you and that the university believes in global citizenship. Where is the build up? Always connect your activities or personal principles with that of Brandeis. Always support your statement otherwise it leaves the reader questioning the truthfulness of your response.


- How does their vision align with yours? How do you see your relationship with the university influencing each other once you attend the university?

Since universities are not aiming to be politically correct, I would most certainly play up a unique relationship between the fact that the university is Jewish and you are Muslim. Your interest in Brandeis is unique. So explaining why you developed that interest even though you come from a different religion will definitely catch the eye of the reader.

Good luck with your application :-)