Bring on the Criticism- Common Application Essay

I'm really trying to perfect this essay into something that describes who I am and what significant experience I had without it becoming boring or wordy. Also any grammar help is appreciated!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you:

There is a point in every person's life in which they can look back and know, that's when it all started. For me, that was six years ago. That was when I joined the Clean-Up Crew. Despite the name, we weren't janitors. We were a LEGO league robotics team. But not just any team, we were one of the best in the nation. In our three years as a team we attended the national competition -- twice. Our first year we were awarded the Runner-Up Director's award which meant we were the second best team in the nation. Our last year at nationals we achieved a rare perfect score at the competition table and received what is basically an overall honorable mention.

However, the most significant reward of my experience wasn't the awards we received, or the local and national recognition. It was the life experience I gained through working with that team. All my life I had been involved on a team. I have played several sports; soccer, basketball, baseball, and even football for a few years, but I have never worked with a team that was so close and worked so well together. This taught me the principles of team building before I even knew what "principles of team building" meant. Of course, that wasn't all I gained from the Clean-Up Crew. Through my participation in our research projects I gained a greater understanding of how things work. Now, I can't get enough of it, I spend far too much time on the Discovery channel and howstuffworks.com simply because I can't seem to learn enough. But by far the most important effect LEGO league had on my life was causing me to look forward to my future. After that first tournament I couldn't wait to grow up so I could go to college and become an engineer. I wanted to be the best and I was determined to go to MIT. I watched the Discovery channel and I got a subscription to Popular Science. Then, small changes occurred and while I still kept a steady eye on my future, my desires changed. Today, I can't wait to enter the business world. I still watch the Discovery channel and I still eagerly wait for Popular Science to arrive so I can read through it in an hour, but I have added new interests. I now have a subscription to Entrepreneur magazine, and I read Forbes magazine any chance I get. I have the Bloomberg application on my iPhone so I can always read the financial news and follow the tech stocks.

Its fascinating really, to look back and think that all of this was brought about because I joined a bunch of other twelve year olds who liked to build LEGO robots in a garage. But what's even more fascinating is looking forward-- looking at the future I still have ahead of me.

I feel that you tell too much, but not show
There is a point in every person's life in which they can look back and know, that's when it all started. For me, that was six years ago. That was when I joined the Clean-Up Crew. Despite the name, we weren't janitors. We were a LEGO league robotics team (you could make this smooth, right?)

you should separate into 2 or 3 paragraphs to make the reader easier to follow, it's a pretty long paragraph,
it's just my opinion
good luck!

I agree with shine. I don't think you have to put in that much detail. It kinda bores people after awhile, especially when we keep seeing the terms discovery channel, popular science etc. Try phrasing your words in a different way rather than repeating them. Yeah and it'll be great if you could paragraph your ideas.

Oh and avoid contractions like won't / can't / I'm. That's not very formal. I guess unless you run out of characters or words then you can squeeze in a bit of that haha. Try not to start off your sentence with a 'but'. I didn't edit that though heh.

:)

This is a great essay, and you answered the question nicely. wongxy covered everything nicely, the only suggestion I can think of, is in the opening sentence you wrote, "there is a point in every...". How about, "There comes a time in every.." (or is that too cliche"?)

Good luck in school!

:)

Okay, maybe this way is better:

There comes a time in everyone 's life when they can look back and know, that's when it all started.

With italics (above) it shows that you are thinking to yourself...

It is great! The way it appears here is all one paragraph, but is it all one paragraph the way you wrote it? If so, try dividing it into two paragraphs for clarity.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone, I made all the suggested changes and sent it in yesterday. It was much better than what I started with.