Brown: Tell us about an intellectual experience, project, class, or book that has influenced or inspired you. 500 words maximum
In my first class of computer programming, my teacher asked us to list the steps to making a peanut and jelly sandwich. Like the rest of my class I thought this was a joke, this couldn't possibly be the homework of a programming class. Despite the questions he was asked the teacher was unwilling to give a reason for the creation of a sandwich, but by the end of class it was obvious he was completely serious about the assignment. Never did I think that this homework would teach me a lesson that I would carry throughout high school, but in reality it has affected my interests both in and out of class.
Still skeptical about the legitimacy of the assignment I returned home at the end of the school day. I left this homework for last seeing as it was such a seemingly simple assignment and instead got to work on math and English homework. When nothing else was left I finally started listing the steps to creating the sandwich and came up with about ten steps. With that my homework was completed and I would have been free to have dinner and enjoy some free time before bed, however I realized several flaws in my list. To name a few, how did the peanut butter get on the table, who opened the jelly jar, and why did the list stop before the sandwich was even eaten? With this I fixed my list by adding a step here and there until at last I reached about fifty steps.
The next day I awaited my computer programming class to find out his reasoning behind his assignment the day before. When I walked into the classroom eighth period I was greeted by my teacher and on one of the tables he had all of the ingredients for the sandwich. Each had lists of different sizes and none was complete. He followed each of our instructions exactly but he ran into problems with an unopened cap or steps that were too general. Ultimately the lesson is that for every task there is a certain sequence of steps that are necessary and must be completed in order. While it is in essence a very simple concept it is an idea that fascinates me.
My favorite subjects all revolve around the concept that a specific sequence is necessary in order to reach an end product. Equations in my math and physics classes and programs in computer programming all require a specific sequence. My favorite game, go, an oriental board game, and my school's math team both revolve around this same concept. Much of what interests me can be linked to my teacher's first lesson, the creation of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I will be happy with any help/criticism.
I'm writing the same essay. =]
Regardless, I think Lin had some really helpful suggestions with your essay. I, too, feel as though it has a lot of untapped potential that needs to be realized.
While Lin's suggestions were more specific, mine are more general. You have a number of grammatical errors (primarily punctuation in order to break up your sentences more) that made my eyes want to wander off the page--NOT something you want to happen!
Additionally, you tend to give the reader unnecessary sentences to read. You don't have to state that your homework had "about ten steps," and eliminating that would give open up some nice real estate for you to house more significant components in the essay.
Oh, and consider your TONE. I know that you were really interested in the topic, but that's because of the essay prompt. Take away the prompt, and you don't give off any tone of enthusiasm. Try to fix your syntax in order to make the admissions officer WANT to read it. Allow them to get into your head and feel the inspiration this class/project gave you.
If you want specific examples, I'd be happy to add those!
Good luck!
=]
Your teacher was quite creative when he gave you that assignment. Clearly, you didn't think so. But it has all the elements of martial arts instruction, where the simplest of things are filled with meaning.
Having said that, I think that your essay ought to reflect some of that simple instruction. Be creative. Be more insightful, less factual. Think about your "Aha!" moment when you understood what your teacher was showing you.
