Brown Supplements- "Why Brown?" and "Academic Interests" - Critique!

Hi,
Please be harshly critical with my supplements for Brown. Thank you in advance!!!!

Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? 1000 char

Brown appeals to me as a college option because of its emphasis on liberal education. As an applicant of Brown's PLME, I find that although my primary interests lay in medicine, I am not constricted to a set of requirements or a particular field. Although the program will fully prepare me for a career in medicine, it does not restrict my exploration and future curiosity of interdisciplinary subjects. Furthermore, the Brown curriculum gives me the responsibility of my education, an incentive to make mature decisions but at the same time choose courses in which I am genuinely interested. I can incorporate my interests in the cultural (Indian classical music and dance), scientific (neuroscience), and historical realms to create an individualistic and holistic education. The students are truly inspired, have a drive to succeed, and abet in each other's didactical journey. At Brown, I don't have to be a conglomeration of letters, numbers, or credits. I can be myself.

Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Academic Interest questions above? 1000 characters
The brain is the microchip with which humans process everything. Hearing, seeing, feeling all come from the brain, more accurately as a result of interactions between billions of neurons. My interest in neuroscience comes from an elusive need to explore the origin of what makes us uniquely human: our capacity for thought, our ability to perceive, and our capability to comprehend. Moreover, my curiousity stems from the fact that neurons, despite their miniscule size, are able to produce complex electrical reactions that enable us to function. Furthermore, the connection between music and neuroscience allows me to study two interdisciplinary subjects at ease. The connection, the link between the two would also help me in furthering my cultural music studies and widen my career pathways to incorporate music therapy in my path of medicine.

Hi there!

Here's my quick take.

1) Avoid the pat answers that make an AdCom member immediately tune out:

"Brown appeals to me as a college option because of its emphasis on liberal education."

2) This, on the other hand is solid:

"At Brown, I don't have to be a conglomeration of letters, numbers, or credits. I can be myself."

Of course, I'd like to see more specific insight into why Brown is the right fit for you...what about specific classes, student leadership opportunities, etc? A liberal arts education can be obtained just about anywhere...what is it about Brown's unique offerings???? Get specific. It will help advance your case.

3) I also don't completely understand your academic trajectory.

"Furthermore, the connection between music and neuroscience allows me to study two interdisciplinary subjects at ease. The connection, the link between the two would also help me in furthering my cultural music studies and widen my career pathways to incorporate music therapy in my path of medicine."

So, you'd like to combine anthro/music with science--are there unique tracks in the PLME program where these interests can converge? What about cognitive science? What about professors whose work appeals to you? You're not the expert (yet), but you can aim to flesh out your interests to show they're really substantial and valid.

Hope this helps!!! Solid work so far...keep going!

Best,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing

Last line of that first answer is very powerful. Within that first answer the concept is great and most of the word choice is solid. My only complaint would be change constricted to restricted, then change restrict in your 3rd line to dictate or contain. Your last two sentences are great, but while I understand the sentence about students being inspired and whatnot, and you did use the words correctly, it sort of breaks from the general theme of the rest of the paragraph, in other words its one sentence of elevated diction and an otherwise unelevated piece.

Second Answer, change microchip with, to microchip THROUGH which, the word with makes the brain seem like a companion organ, where in reality we kind of need it no matter what. Change more accurately to more specifically. I notice you use many of transitional words/conjuctive adverbs. Rather than starting a sentence with furthermore, however, yet, or some shit like that, try to use a verb instead. It may cause you to have to reconfigure the sentence but it sounds a hell of a lot better. No at ease, its with ease.

I'm not a supergenius, and brown is probably gonna reject me when I apply, but I've done real well in my comp classes and I'm a solid writer. I'm no mod, but my feedback is half-decent.

Ok, Thank you for the great advice!!! I will work on putting these points in my essay and update it as soon as possible.