Hi everybody. I'm in the process of writing my personal statement for UCB and UCLA. This is for prompt #2.
Before jumping in, this essay is still quite raw and I'm still in the process of proofreading it. If you spot mistakes, please don't hesitate to point them out. I'm very open to all your suggestions. I will also be taking this essay to a teacher for revision.
I realize that some parts of the essay does not flow well and perhaps needs more transitions. It is also quite lengthy (I haven't written prompt #1 yet) at 692 words, so if you spot sentences or phrases that are unnecessary, please point them out. The conclusion is, in my opinion, a bit weak. I will continue working on it and will take suggestions. I want to make sure I answer the prompt as well as my own questions.
Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
"If you were with a group of ten-year-old children, would it be better to be a friend or a leader?" my interviewer asked.
I've often pondered about this question. I was that age not too long ago, and although I never considered myself a bratty kid, I have to admit that I often liked to challenge authority, especially that of people just a few years older than I was. I had always thought that I was great with children. I've worked with quite a few children before, teaching them to swim and even sharing a few laughs with them here and there. As a result, I naturally responded "friend."
As I walked through the hallway of the summer camp I had been interviewed for a few weeks prior, I once again found myself pondering the same question. Moreover, what exactly does being a leader mean?
As the week went on, I began to develop my friendship with the children. I even shared the experience of belly flopping off the high diving board with them. I was fine, but my pride and tummy were both bruised for the next few days. However, the toughest test came on the day of the field trip to the amusement park.
At the park, we travelled in a "pack", as I liked to call it. A trio of girls louder than a rock concert and on the end of the spectrum, a shy boy, Q, who always kept to himself made up our pack. I didn't know where the girls get their energy, but the chocolate bars they were gobbling on were only going to fuel their fires. Q sat on the chain-link rope that established the labyrinth through which the sea of people waiting for the roller coaster navigated, twiddling his thumbs. He could use some of the energy the girls have, I thought to myself.
"Girls, Q looks hungry. Why don't you share your chocolate with Q?" I proposed. The giggling girls gladly obliged. Q accepted the piece of chocolate without saying a word and eyed it. He took a bite.
Suddenly, Q's eyes grew wide. Without warning, Q made a mad dash backwards through the line, cutting through crowd with the agility of Adrian Peterson. I froze for a moment, staring blankly at the spot Q had vanished from just a second ago, before taking off after him with the girls hot on my heels. It was as if we were wading through molasses as I pushed my way through the crowd. Finally, we broke into the open and gulped the fresh air.
"There! The bench!" We raced towards Q.
A nightmare was unfolding before my eyes. Q's face flushed redder than an apple. He squeezed out the words "peanut" and "pocket" between wheezes. Q stared at me, wide-eyed and panicked. He must have realized the panic in my eyes, as well. Although I had learned how to deal with this in first aid training, in that moment, my mind drew a blank.
"Do something!"
Instinctively, I flagged down a passer-by.
"Get help, quick." I made sure to keep my voice calm. The last thing I wanted was creating hysteria.
Q wheezed "pocket" again before reaching into his pocket and handing me its contents. I took the Twinject from his cold, trembling hands. All the simulation in the world could not possibly have prepared me for this very real scenario. I held Q's hand.
"We're going to get through this. You'll be okay."
I found myself yet again in the office of my interviewer, this time reflecting upon the events, realizing that I was accountable for causing Q's severe allergic reaction. Despite this, I also realized that I'd came out of the situation a better person, and a better leader. What does being a leader mean? Well, for one, realizing accountability and ability to handle the consequences. A leader has the strength and determination to fight through predicaments. He realizes that his attitude and emotions will be reflected by those around him, and should approach situations with the appropriate mindset. My actions on that day guided me to these realizations. The experience was invaluable.
Thank you for helping!
Before jumping in, this essay is still quite raw and I'm still in the process of proofreading it. If you spot mistakes, please don't hesitate to point them out. I'm very open to all your suggestions. I will also be taking this essay to a teacher for revision.
I realize that some parts of the essay does not flow well and perhaps needs more transitions. It is also quite lengthy (I haven't written prompt #1 yet) at 692 words, so if you spot sentences or phrases that are unnecessary, please point them out. The conclusion is, in my opinion, a bit weak. I will continue working on it and will take suggestions. I want to make sure I answer the prompt as well as my own questions.
Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
"If you were with a group of ten-year-old children, would it be better to be a friend or a leader?" my interviewer asked.
I've often pondered about this question. I was that age not too long ago, and although I never considered myself a bratty kid, I have to admit that I often liked to challenge authority, especially that of people just a few years older than I was. I had always thought that I was great with children. I've worked with quite a few children before, teaching them to swim and even sharing a few laughs with them here and there. As a result, I naturally responded "friend."
As I walked through the hallway of the summer camp I had been interviewed for a few weeks prior, I once again found myself pondering the same question. Moreover, what exactly does being a leader mean?
As the week went on, I began to develop my friendship with the children. I even shared the experience of belly flopping off the high diving board with them. I was fine, but my pride and tummy were both bruised for the next few days. However, the toughest test came on the day of the field trip to the amusement park.
At the park, we travelled in a "pack", as I liked to call it. A trio of girls louder than a rock concert and on the end of the spectrum, a shy boy, Q, who always kept to himself made up our pack. I didn't know where the girls get their energy, but the chocolate bars they were gobbling on were only going to fuel their fires. Q sat on the chain-link rope that established the labyrinth through which the sea of people waiting for the roller coaster navigated, twiddling his thumbs. He could use some of the energy the girls have, I thought to myself.
"Girls, Q looks hungry. Why don't you share your chocolate with Q?" I proposed. The giggling girls gladly obliged. Q accepted the piece of chocolate without saying a word and eyed it. He took a bite.
Suddenly, Q's eyes grew wide. Without warning, Q made a mad dash backwards through the line, cutting through crowd with the agility of Adrian Peterson. I froze for a moment, staring blankly at the spot Q had vanished from just a second ago, before taking off after him with the girls hot on my heels. It was as if we were wading through molasses as I pushed my way through the crowd. Finally, we broke into the open and gulped the fresh air.
"There! The bench!" We raced towards Q.
A nightmare was unfolding before my eyes. Q's face flushed redder than an apple. He squeezed out the words "peanut" and "pocket" between wheezes. Q stared at me, wide-eyed and panicked. He must have realized the panic in my eyes, as well. Although I had learned how to deal with this in first aid training, in that moment, my mind drew a blank.
"Do something!"
Instinctively, I flagged down a passer-by.
"Get help, quick." I made sure to keep my voice calm. The last thing I wanted was creating hysteria.
Q wheezed "pocket" again before reaching into his pocket and handing me its contents. I took the Twinject from his cold, trembling hands. All the simulation in the world could not possibly have prepared me for this very real scenario. I held Q's hand.
"We're going to get through this. You'll be okay."
I found myself yet again in the office of my interviewer, this time reflecting upon the events, realizing that I was accountable for causing Q's severe allergic reaction. Despite this, I also realized that I'd came out of the situation a better person, and a better leader. What does being a leader mean? Well, for one, realizing accountability and ability to handle the consequences. A leader has the strength and determination to fight through predicaments. He realizes that his attitude and emotions will be reflected by those around him, and should approach situations with the appropriate mindset. My actions on that day guided me to these realizations. The experience was invaluable.
Thank you for helping!