Please edit this and give me some comments. Is this too wordy? Are my ideas clear? Thanks
My childhood dream is to be a wealthy businesswoman. At the age of fourteen, I successfully published a newspaper sold within my school. Not only did I obtain sponsor from my prime teacher but I also managed to win investment from some of my friends. To become competitive, I interviewed a "hot-boy" in my class, and then displayed the testimonials from him on the first page. In fact, the business operated smoothly and brought me certain profit. Although the publication was stopped after just the 5th volume, "this project" became an unforgettable milestone in the nurture of my dream. Afterwards, at high school, I was elected to be the treasurer of the class in three years. I always tried to have money multiply rather than stay in pocket. Together with my class, I carried out small businesses. We sold almost everything: from snack during break time to soft drink after football matches; from greeting card on Christmas to roses on Valentine Day. Usually we made profits but sometimes we made losses; usually things operated smoothly but sometimes there were suspecting, quarrelling or even giving up. After all, I realize struggling through all difficulties has developed the entrepreneur in me. I indeed enjoy the pleasure when seeing my business fruits, I tirelessly learned to stand up if it fails, I now know how to maintain flexible while consistently sticking on my goals... Most importantly, I experience the pleased feelings when donating money I earned for charity. Obviously, successful business can not only enrich myself but also support other people. This perception finally raised my childhood dream to a strong ambition of establishing my own company and use the money it generates to help people out of misery.
It would be useful if you give us the prompt!
I always tried to have money multiply rather than stay in pocket.
I think every businessperson does it! Make it more touching. Maybe you could refer it as the enterpreneur spirit...
After all, I realize struggling through all difficulties has developed the entrepreneur in me.
Perhaps you should be more specific about how did you overcome difficulties.
Rework on this, try to make it more engaging and vivid! If it is your dream and you feel passion, you will be able to do it!
Good luck! :)
Thanks a lot, Hern. I'm writing my statement of purpose for a Bachelor of Business Administration. Could you please take a look a this para:
Given my academic background as an literature major, it appears that I am against all odds in applying for a Bachelor of Business Administration (Accountancy), but I have every confidence that I am going the right direction. Firstly, business has long been my interest and I indeed have a good sense of it. Therefore, I chose Business Administration as a serious career without any hesitation. Moreover, I feel rationality and emotionality co-exist in me. At school, not only did I demonstrate aptitude for literature, I also achieved exceptional results in all natural science subjects. With my competence in logic and mathematics, I confidently believe that I will get on well with (is there any other way to express this idea?) Accountancy. Additionally, I regard the literature class I had as actually a special advantage of mine rather than a handicap when studying at your university. Firstly, as a language major, I have read something about everything, thus broadened my horizon and gained a unique perspective on economic phenomena. Through these readings, I have acquired a comprehensive understanding of different cultures and customs, which I believe, will be conducive to both my study on international business and my relationship with people from other countries. My writing ability and oral communication skills have also been strengthened after implementing various assignments and presentations at school. All these qualities I have developed through studying literature have become my most precious possessions, which, together with my preparation in economics and mathematics, will ensure a promising outcome of my studies in the course of my choice.
To become competitive, I interviewed a popular boy in my class and then displayed the testimonials from him on the first page.
Your ending is excellent. It makes business very meaningful! I think this will be a successful essay.
