middle school children are scared of what they don't understand, so quick to exile anyone who doesn't fit into their basic idea of what you should be like, if you display above average intelligence, or display an unusual fondness for books they're swift to make a social outcast, thank God I never had to deal with that otherwise I wouldn't be the person I am today. The catalyst to my development mentally was my love of novels inherited from my sister. Even from a young age I dove into the works of Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Arthur Conan Doyle, and the rest. As i matured I developed a voracious appetite for James Patterson, Micheal Ledgewick, J.K Rowling, Frank Kafka and some of the greatest writers of the 21st century. As I traversed through these incredible worlds created by an individuals imagination my mind was opened to all sorts of influences, I took a little from each character and even now when I find myself puzzled I repeat "once you eliminate all possibilities, whatever remains no matter how improbable, is the solution"
The catalyst to my mental development; Stanford /Intellectual
What I am missing here is what is the impact of that story towards your development? You write it opened your mind, but you don't state how. You don't give an example that shows this. Also, "reading good novels" is a quite vague term. The essay is asking about an idea of experience, thats more going towards a single event, something like "my sister gave me this awesome Sherlock Collection and I read it in two days", something more concrete. It's no problem to write about reading in general (althoug I could imagine it's a quite common topic), but bring at least one experience into it, maybe to replace the first sentence.
Talking about it, this sentence isn't really great. First, it way to long. It doesn't really has much in common with the rest of the essay and you generalize quite a bit. In the subtext you convey some anger and arrogance which doesn't really make good in essays. But then you say this doesn't happen to you, so what is the point? If this introduction isn't about you, then why is it in this essay? You just have 150 words to describe this part of you, use them as best as possible!
A few minor things:
"James Patterson, Micheal Ledgewick, J.K Rowling, Frank Kafka" -I don't know, but Kafka and Rowling in one list? Seems a bit wired to me.
"some of the greatest writers of the 21st century" - thats just lazy
"once you eliminate all possibilities, whatever remains no matter how improbable, is the solution" - Check that quote again. Isn't it "the impossible" instead of "all possibilities"?
Also, you should check on your spelling and grammar. I'm not the best person to do that, but even I found a lot of mistakes.
Maybe you could help me with my Stanford Essay as well?
Talking about it, this sentence isn't really great. First, it way to long. It doesn't really has much in common with the rest of the essay and you generalize quite a bit. In the subtext you convey some anger and arrogance which doesn't really make good in essays. But then you say this doesn't happen to you, so what is the point? If this introduction isn't about you, then why is it in this essay? You just have 150 words to describe this part of you, use them as best as possible!
A few minor things:
"James Patterson, Micheal Ledgewick, J.K Rowling, Frank Kafka" -I don't know, but Kafka and Rowling in one list? Seems a bit wired to me.
"some of the greatest writers of the 21st century" - thats just lazy
"once you eliminate all possibilities, whatever remains no matter how improbable, is the solution" - Check that quote again. Isn't it "the impossible" instead of "all possibilities"?
Also, you should check on your spelling and grammar. I'm not the best person to do that, but even I found a lot of mistakes.
Maybe you could help me with my Stanford Essay as well?
WOW!! thank you so much for your criticism, its always good to have a fresh pair of eyes on something to expose the faults that i myself couldnt see