"to change people for the better" - FSU App. Essay

Hi, i was hoping someone could read my essay and give me some feedback in terms of content and grammar so i know if its good or just horrible lol I really want to get into FSU so anything would help, thank you!!!

Prompt:
Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeal most to you and why?

Essay:

Planning for this college admissions essay was difficult and took a fair amount of time due to the fact that all four of those characteristics are admirable and essential in the forming of a well rounded individual. Global awareness, leadership, and service are all vital for us to continue living in the world we live in today. It is my opinion, though, that without being a well learned person, the other three characteristics will not do a person much good. To be aware of what is going on around the world one must understand why some issues occur, why governments do what they and how they function. That way, when the government does something wrong we have the knowledge to stand up against that crime. To be a leader one has to have knowledge on the issue that they are leading other in and show that they know enough not to lead them astray or people will not follow. Finally, in order to provide a service correctly one must be knowledgeable in all areas of the service they are providing should a situation arise where the information is needed. A waiter should know how all foods are prepared just as a doctor should know how all procedures are performed. It is my belief that knowledge runs the world we live in, pushes it forward into new technological and human evolutions. The drive humans have to understand their world and everything around them is amazing to me. I myself would love to learn as much as I could in all areas that interest me and stay up to date when new information comes available. If a person has the opportunity to attend a University their time should not be wasted but rather used to help them learn about the world we live in, the societies and cultures that surround our own, and past generations that left us enough history to dive into. A good education shapes the people of this world who create change and improve the world for the rest of society. There is no excuse for being ignorant in the current society we live in, especially since information is so easy to access. As Sir Francis Bacon said "Knowledge is power" and I agree with him wholeheartedly. I believe that I would be a good addition to Florida State University because I have a drive to learn, to help my world become a better place. So, to answer this essay question, learning appeals to me the most out of all the characteristics represented by Florida State University students due to the great power it holds to change people for the better.

not too bad. But I believe you can still do alot better. the essay is too wordy and I can't seem to find paragraphs! I think you should rewrite the essay and focus on being concise and expressing yourself clearly..

Ok, paragraphs and take out unnecessary words, Thank you!

Planning for this college admissions essay was difficult and took a fair amount of time due to the fact that all four of those characteristics are admirable and essential in the forming of a well rounded individual. This sentence is nicely written, but i think it is not useful. It is not necessary or helpful.

You should have ONE main goal to achieve with this essay. What do you hope happens as the result of the reader reading this?

I think you want to inspire her with your vision of the future. so let's get to the important part:

Global awareness, leadership, and service are all vital for us to continue living in the world we live in today. obviously

It is my opinion, though, that w

here we are getting to something meaningful:
Without being a well learned person, the other three characteristics will not do a person much good.---This might be a good first sentence for the essay!

...why governments do what they do, and...

It is my belief that knowledge runs the world we live in, pushes it forward into new technological and human evolutions. no! This is not your belief; it is an obvious fact. So, I think you are missing your opportunity. You have an opportunity in this essay to show what is unique about your aspiration. Show the reader that you are a person with a plan.

Why do you have a plan? Because something is important to you.
Why is something important to you? I don't know, but if you can express it you will be truly enriching the life of the reader.

... because I have a drive to learn, to help my world become a better place. People only say such general things when they do not really have a plan. Work on your plan!! :-) make a plan, and take the first step.

Ok, I did some editing.

Without being a well learned person the other three characteristics will not do a person much good in the world. Knowledge itself is only acquired through the process of learning and a good education is the foundation that makes a person influential and capable of changing the world. The drive humans have to understand their world and everything around them amazes me. I have had many teachers recommend me reading material or to look up articles on the internet about certain phenomena in their area of study and later discuss it with them, not for a grade but more for the sake of learning.

My junior year of High School I had a Theory of Knowledge professor whose class I would have right before our lunch break. I remember staying in his class with a few other students who wanted to stay behind and we would all discuss philosophy, ethics, and science with him for half of our lunch break. It was wonderful because I was in an environment discussing subjects that I found interesting with other people who wanted to learn more as well. I want to be one of those people that helps push the world forward. My main goal is to hopefully become a Doctor, but that will not be my only goal while attending University. I want to help professors conduct research that will help discover something new. I would adore getting to know my teachers and have in depth conversation with them about something on the news. Most of all I crave to make an impact on the world we live, something that will help better the life of even one person in this world.

As Sir Francis Bacon said "Knowledge is power" and I agree with him wholeheartedly. . I believe that knowledge runs the world we live in, and pushes it forward into new technological advancements; medical and human evolutions. I would be a good addition to Florida State University because I have a drive to learn. Learning appeals to me the most out of all the characteristics represented by Florida State University students due to the great power it holds to change people for the better.

Better? I noticed I was missing personality in the essay so I tried to correct that.