Sitting in the huge conference room in the Charles Schwab building, about [...]
First of all, this is a really really long sentence. Normally, topic sentences aren't this long so you should revise it and break it up into parts. Right now, you are losing your reader.
Sitting in the huge conference room in the Charles Schwab building,
about a seven students are working diligently on the architecture of the different rooms of super high
what does this mean? the buildings are tall? school campus, five students
andmyself included,including myself, are working on the engineering aspects
of the buildingjust mention in the beginning you guys are working on a building such as the amount of area going to be covered and the electrical and mechanical units
of the buildings , and two students
are working on the PowerPoint presentation
tothat will convey the point
of our project
in front ofto the ACE Mentorship Program
Working with the different engineers and architects, standing up [...]
Again, this is another really long sentence. I highly recommend breaking this up too. It makes your essay A LOT easier to read!
After? working with
the different engineers and architects, standing up and arguing certain points of the project with my fellow teenage engineers
, and using engineering rulers, exact scales,
using the process of eminent domain,
we made the decision to put the sports fields near the subway line
that is intersecting part of the area; DELETE unless it's absolutely essential and
to rerout
inge the bus
.made me feelFrom this experience, I've become?I'm a successful mechanical engineer working for the Port Authority, creating a project
for thethat will benefit
ofa or the? Bushwick community.
These are just my suggestions. I hope they are helpful! I think if you break your essay down, you'll automatically reduce your word count. Good luck! :]
