Child of a thousand hills from Rwanda

These are my mit essays, I need assistance. I feel as though they are vague!
1. Please tell us more about your cultural background and identity (100 word max)- Optional

Rwandan Culture binds love and diligence to bring out the best in people! This runs back years to the age of barter trade when Rwandans toiled to own a cow, for it was the most cherished asset. Cow-owners sold their cows for expensive clothes, mats and other belongings; and when visiting their friends they would fill an 'Agaseke' ( a traditionally grass weaved basket) with food or belongings with significant value- expressing love! These practices are no longer, but the spirit of love and hard work are ever-present!

As a child of a thousand hills, I am diligent and loving!

2. Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why (100 words or fewer)

My love for Math, Chemistry and everything between has drawn me to Course 16- B.S A.E, but the complex mechanism and beauty of aircraft is the primary reason I aspire to be an AeEng. . My curiosities led me to look through the MITx: 16.101x _2 course; and though I barely fathomed, it was quite enjoyable. With the guidance of professors like Mr. Darmofal, I look forward to; learning, developing innovations, research under UROP and crafting (plus reconstructing) apparatus in the 25 AeroAstro labs at MIT with fellow engineers.

Most definitely, I will minor in an interesting arts course!!

3. We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do simply for the pleasure of it. (100 words or fewer)

I enjoy Cooking-especially the eating part! But, I'd rather spend my day with headphones, musixmatch floating lyrics and a full battery. According to my playlists, on average I listen to approximately 54 songs in a four hour span each day. I listen to music almost everywhere doing anything and hardly lose focus but rather complete tasks faster.

Afro beat rhythm literally takes over me, then I find myself swaying in-phase with the beats and surprisingly smiling at nothing; music not only ensures me a good time, but helps me blow-off steam and find resolutions to affairs!

Music is everything!

4. At MIT, we bring people together to better the lives of others. MIT students work to improve their communities in different ways, from tackling the world's biggest challenges to being a good friend. Describe one way in which you have contributed to your community, whether in your family, the classroom, your neighborhood, etc. (200-250 words)

From March to Mid-September this year, most weekday mornings followed a routine- Waking up at 5:30am, getting my sister ready for school by 6:20 then I'd quickly tide up and head out! And after a 25 minutes' walk I would be at Group Scolaire Kicukiro -GSS (a public community school). I was a volunteering teacher's assistant in the Primary four and nursery classes, I began my morning with the little nursery kids exercising over rhymes and amateur drumming. Then, after an hour or two of enjoyable coloring and shading, classes commenced over in the primary section for reading lessons- I loved these!

These kids rarely got time to read because teachers alternatively used the time to 'advance' (as they called it) in other subjects where they lagged.

With time lost during transition between classes, the allocated 40 minutes were actually 30 ; 30 minutes to get 60 students to read !In random groups of six they read a similar paragraph amongst themselves in turns and correct each other, as I walked through listening. These students are forever eager to learn, and as they read in front of the class (after correcting each other) a few of them were shy - they are confident as there smiles and giggles revealed. Even though their pronunciations were some-what miss placed, they are amazing students: fast learners and co-operative. My time at GSS is one I will live to remember, because to me it was evident that I had an impact in somebody's life.

5. Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation? (200-250 words)

After moving to Rwanda, a lot changed! With no friends and no cartoons to watch; at nine, I was in hell! My sister was month's old needing special attention that mom could not provide; she was unemployed and nobody in the family seemed bothered-plus dad never sent money since we came.

She toiled to make ends meet; so hard that sleepiness turned her eyes red. I despised my Dad! He never takes responsibility to take care of us all he does is call when he's drank. And, I never understood it; he called frequently and when asked to send money for school and groceries -he hang up! But still my mom makes it work!

Little did I know that the man who refused to cater for us was not my father! My real dad left me a longer time before all this- I was two by then. And this same real dad wanted to make-up for his mistakes, I agreed to make contact but all he did was hurt me: lying and making excuses for his actions. It was hard for me at school listening to stories of how other students go along with their dad's, when I had two that are not worthy of the title and still laugh along as though I understand.

No matter how realistic my requests are, mom tries her best! And she keeps me going, she's mom, dad and everything across. Having her helps me move past my daddy-troubles and appreciate happy mommy moments!

6. Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations (200-250 words)

African culture has brought a mindset that 'men are superior and better than women'. This was the same case at school. As I began high school, males held top positions academically. To me it was satisfactory that I was not a complete failure, but as I grew I wanted more!

Years unfolded and came 2013, I was an IGCSE candidate. I had spent two years battling to sparkle, but still I was second place. Time was running out and teachers were focusing on students ready to move at a faster pace, unluckily at that exact moment; I began to decline! It was hard enough that my teachers publicly said I was no longer able to produce an A and that if all goes well my best would be a C! I had no idea how to retreat, it was all happening fast! I spent sleepless nights and barely had the pleasure of free time. I wanted so bad to be better than Nouru, results were out in January and I was the best - proved them wrong!

In February I returned for A-levels and I came to realize that my success was not due to jealousy but rather optimizing my potential; exposing hidden A's within me. Acknowledging this helped me realize my goals, be better than yesterday and understand I don't want to become a finance major like most girls opted for. But instead do something I love and I wouldn't ask for anything more than being a female engineer.

I tried reading out flowed and it felt vague! I appreciate all the help I can get!

Sama, here are some suggestions for you:

1. ... ( a traditionally grass weaved WOVEN basket) with food or... These practices are no longer NO LONGER EXIST, but the spirit o...

As a child of a thousand hills, I am diligent and loving!
- This line is not necessary because it does not relate to the previous paragraph. You don't need to talk about yourself in this statement because that is not being asked for.

2. ... Most definitely, I will minor in an interesting arts course!!
- The question is asking about your major, not your minor so you don't need to mention an art course. Just indicate what the prompt requires. Don't get creative by offering additional information that is not asked for. That shows that you are incapable of following simple direction and therefore, not ready to become a college student.

3....helps me blow-off steam and find resolutions to affairs! Music is everything!
- Why do you feel a need to punctuate every example with a strong sentiment about something that is not required by the question? You could have solidly ended this response with the first exclamation point. The second one, just removes the impact of your statement.

Sama, in all honesty, you have to stop shouting at the reviewer! Exclamation points must only be used in the proper context. Otherwise, in a formal discussion such as this, you come across as always shouting when there is no reason to. Please, review all of the responses you have and change the exclamation points to periods whenever possible. It doesn't make sense for you to keep a high tone of voice in your written work because, as writing rules suggest, exclamation points are the equivalent of shouting on paper and should not be used in formal communication.

5. You delivered the wrong response to the prompt. You spoke about your mother and the trials she had to face in raising you. Your response should have been about you. A challenge you faced and had to overcome. The whole statement is a summarized biography concentrated on your mother and your upbringing. It does not portray how you personally handle tight situations, which is what the question wanted you to respond to.

6. You should use your current answer in question number 5 to respond to this prompt. Your story is exactly what this prompt requires. So you just need a new answer for question 5 and use that answer in question six instead.

Thank you Mary.
Apart from the ending, would you advise that I submit essay prompt 1, 2, 3 and 4 ?
And If i interchanged 5 and six with minor adjustments, would the essays work?

Sama, you definitely can go ahead and use the statements 1-4 for your application. Provided yo apply the changes that I suggested in the previous post first. Remember, you need to edit the content and correct the portions that need revising in order to make sure that the response will be in its best possible format upon submission. As for 5 and 6 I think that swapping the responses would definitely work. I'll need to see the minor adjustments that you will be making in order to make sure that it will work well with the prompt though. So make the adjustments just for those 2 questions and post it here for further consideration. Review the responses before you make any adjustments. Make sure that the additions will help enhance the essay. Don't just make additions for the sake of a word count or making the statement sound cool. Consider if the tweaks you want to make are truly important to the response.

Hey mary, i tried to alter the essay and this is what i have managed to get at.

1. Tell us about the most significant challenge ...

African culture has brought a mindset that 'men are superior and better than women'. This was the same case at school. As I began high school, males held top positions academically. To me it was satisfactory that I was not a complete failure, but as I grew I wanted more.

Years unfolded and came 2013, I was an IGCSE candidate. I had spent two years battling to sparkle, but I still held second place. Time was running out and teachers were focusing on students ready to move at a faster pace, unluckily at that exact moment; I began to decline. It was hard enough that my teachers publicly said that I was no longer able to produce an A and that my best would be a C. I had no idea how to retreat, it was happening all so fast. A lot needed to change!

I spent sleepless nights and barely had the pleasure of free time. My days were filled with classes, group-study, club meetings and when applicable I did sports or took an hour-sleep; everything after supper was personal revision till 1'am. These were one of the most crucial times in my high school experience. And even though I was the most outstanding performer in my class, I realized that my success should be focused on optimizing my potential: exposing the hidden A's within. Since then, I've kept a similar spirit aiming at being better than yesterday and doing what I love not what I am expected to.

2. Describe the world you come from...

After moving to Rwanda, a lot changed. With no friends and no cartoons to watch- at nine, I was in hell! My sister was month's old needing special attention that mom could not provide, she was unemployed and nobody in the family seemed bothered- plus dad never sent money since we came.

She toiled to make ends meet; so hard that sleepiness turned her eyes red. I never understood how my dad could be so irresponsible: hanging up the phone whenever we asked to send money for groceries and school. But still my mom makes it work. It was hard for me at school listening to stories of how other students go along with their dad's, when mine was not worthy of the title and still I laugh along as though I understand.

And still no matter how unrealistic my requests are, mom tries her best. And she keeps me going, she's mom, dad and everything across. Having her helps me move past my daddy-troubles and appreciate happy mommy moments!

Over the years in society and during charity work, I have met many people who have encountered situations worse than ours. And, from experience I can say that no-one should face it alone; a child should not die of malnutrition nor should he/she embrace a life of thievery. As a future engineer and philanthropist, I hope to make a network where a hand is extended to those in need of a third hand- Being Human..

3. ...Describe one way in which you have contributed to your community...

From March to Mid-September this year, most weekday mornings followed a routine- Waking up at 5:30am, getting my sister ready for school by 6:20 then I'd quickly clean and head out! And after a 25 minutes' walk I would be at Groupe Scolaire Kicukiro -GSS (a public community school). I was a volunteer teacher's assistant. I began my morning with the little nursery kids exercising over rhymes and amateur drumming. Then, after an hour of enjoyable coloring and shading, classes commenced over in the primary section for reading lessons- I loved these!

These kids rarely got time to read because teachers alternatively used the time to 'advance' (as they called it) in other subjects where they lagged.

With time lost during transition between classes, the allocated 40 minutes were actually 30 ; 30 minutes to get 60 students to read !In random groups of six they read a similar paragraph amongst themselves in turns and correct each other, as I walked through listening. These students are forever eager to learn, and as they read in front of the class (after correcting each other) a few of them were shy , but most confident as there smiles and giggles revealed. Even though their pronunciations were somewhat misplaced, they are amazing students: fast learners and co-operative. My time at GSS is one I will live to remember, because it was evident that I made an impact in somebody's life: where every memorized word is an entity of the bigger picture- literacy.

for the third essay.. i added a bit to the last paragragraph , And I am not sure if it works better than the first.

Thank you, for your assistance