China inspiration - Emory: My uniqueness and contribution. cultural stuff!

Question:
Undergraduates at Emory and Oxford Colleges are offered countless opportunities to engage with the student body, the faculty, and your academic program of choice-from hands-on research to student organizations to volunteering. What are some of the programs and/or activities you would plan to get involved with on either campus, and what unique qualities will you bring to them? (250 word limit)

I love the way old people burn paper money at the corners of dark alleys so that their lost loved ones would be warm in the winter. So romantic.

I deem Chinese grandmas are the most loving and energetic senior citizens in the world. They dance in squads with pop music, wearing colorful skirts and heels which always make me join them.

These are a small portion of the beauty in my culture that was never so clear to me as I started to docent at Shandong Museum. With the help of thousand-year-old stone tablets, delicate Confucian silk scrolls and numerous curious tourists, I was able to share the roots of the ideology in me with people from all over the world, which I have madly fallen in love in doing so. When walking down my favorite brook with the reflection of chartreuse willows, I feverishly fill my thoughts with the exciting adventure that is spreading my culture, showing off my Chinese yo-yo technique at Lunar Banquet (most willingly sacrificing Valentine's day), or dragging local Georgian folks to my About China lecture series as they return home from the Emory University Hospital.

China is the forever invigorating vision and inspiration of mine that is influencing me in every way she can. I look forward to spread and exchange my stories growing up in Shandong in your diverse student body, as well as being a unique part of bridging east and west at the fascinating, vibrant city that is Atlanta.

I already submitted this essay several days ago, but it would be great if you guys can take a look and tell me what you think. Thanks so much!

Wish you will be admitted!

If you actually look carefully at your essay, you realize that you didn't answer the question. You were asked which programs and/or activities you would plan to get involved with, and what qualities you can bring to it. You were answering another question - what makes you unique.

On top of this, after reading your first two paragraphs, my first thought was that you were writing on how elderly people are important to society or something like that. To put it simply, the entire essay is going off a tangent. Introduction was not on the topic, and neither was your conclusion.

To sum it up, I personally think that this is not a good essay. However, do not be demoralized. It doesn't matter that you made lots of mistakes with your grammar and vocabulary; they'll understand since English is not your native language. The most important thing is, your essay have to answer the question. It shows them that you at least understands what they want, and that you will not have a problem catching up when you take all your lessons in English if you are admitted.

Hopefully your other application materials were strong enough to guarantee you admission. All the best!

Hi, thanks so much for your review! To be honest, I was a little frustrated when I saw "you didn't anwser the question". I actually believed I did pretty good on this essay. I meant to tell people that I would participate in the club related to Chinese culture and culture exchange because my experiences in a drastically different environment from native American students. Do you think that I need to make my opening sentences more specific? (Well, I think I was being creative.) And did I make a lot of mistakes in my vocabulary and grammar? Because I 've been working on this essay so hard, and I didn't think there would be any mistake left until now.

Please do tell me what you guys think. Thanks for your time!

Hi, I am from China, too. Don't know if that's the reason the "Chinese grandma" captured my thought and I expect to see you expand to some surprising and refreshing points about them. However, I don't see much connection in the later essay, when you talk about Chinese culture and leaves "Chinese grandma" alone. Maybe I understand it wrong...

For the second part, I really love it. I wish I had that kind of experience. You look very engaged in society, interested in cultures and will surely bring something unique qualities to Emory.

Then in the conclusion, as Jinglejingle said, you should have connected it to how will you contribute to Emory campus. But that's probably okay, since you already conveyed your engagement in community, and that's stronger than empty promises of doing balabala in college in the future.

Anyway, best wishes to your application!

Can you read my essay and give me some comments on what's your impression regarding my essay, too?
Thanks!

grey_form, thanks so much for your review! I indeed was trying to convey my unique perspective of the Chinese society when I was composing the start of this essay. I really needed the encourage from you. Will read your essay and get back to you asap!