Hi, I need advice and suggestion on my personal statement. I dont know if this should be prompt 1 or 2 because it talks about my experience and how it shaped me. Please help edit and give feedback on my essay. I wonder if its flowing or need to polish more. I'm not very strong in vocabulary so I would like help on it too.
[b]Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Sometimes I have to take a risk. I have always been quiet but ever since I joined choir, I was able to open up to people and express my love for performing arts something that I have never felt before. Joining choir helped me overcome my shyness; it shaped me into the confident person that I am today.
Seven years ago when my mother told me to join clubs, I refused. My palms were sweating and I felt unease in my stomach. I didn't want to do it but I told myself, "I need to be brave or else I will never overcome my fears of being in front of people. My mother insisted that I join choir along with my cousin so I could interact with friends. I thought maybe it wasn't terrible idea since I like music.
The first day I started, I was sitting alone in one spot staring at the music paper wondering "why I am here?" The only person I talked to was the one I knew personally, who was my cousin. Some students approached me and said "Hi", I just nodded my head and smiled. But people who are approached me are just being friendly and trying to know me. After a few weeks, I started speaking with my peers and I really understood their personalities. I started to open up and spoke about my personality. After all, every week we see each other. I learned something new by chatting with them. I'm glad that I join this choir and we all became a family. This had encouraged me to open up and engage with the community like the Bike Kitchen where I volunteer to build bikes for children.
Every performance is different either we sing for charities to raise money or to elderly people who enjoy music. One of the greatest performances was fundraising money for this teenage girl from China who loves to sing but she had Spinal Muscular Atrophy. She needed surgery so she can have a chance to live her dream to be a singer while she only has eight years to live. One night, we performed and gathered hundreds of audiences to contribute money for her operation. That night, it was a successful charity because it met our goal. After recovering from surgery, she started to follow her dreams to pursue her singing career. Although she will have SMA all her life, she said "I'll pursue my singing career until the very last minute of my life". Her story had made me realize that no matter what you want to do, nothing can stop you from pursuing your own dream. That story motivates me strive forward and continue to follow my dream. Being scare and afraid will get no where, I need to be confident and be like this teenage girl.
[b]Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Sometimes I have to take a risk. I have always been quiet but ever since I joined choir, I was able to open up to people and express my love for performing arts something that I have never felt before. Joining choir helped me overcome my shyness; it shaped me into the confident person that I am today.
Seven years ago when my mother told me to join clubs, I refused. My palms were sweating and I felt unease in my stomach. I didn't want to do it but I told myself, "I need to be brave or else I will never overcome my fears of being in front of people. My mother insisted that I join choir along with my cousin so I could interact with friends. I thought maybe it wasn't terrible idea since I like music.
The first day I started, I was sitting alone in one spot staring at the music paper wondering "why I am here?" The only person I talked to was the one I knew personally, who was my cousin. Some students approached me and said "Hi", I just nodded my head and smiled. But people who are approached me are just being friendly and trying to know me. After a few weeks, I started speaking with my peers and I really understood their personalities. I started to open up and spoke about my personality. After all, every week we see each other. I learned something new by chatting with them. I'm glad that I join this choir and we all became a family. This had encouraged me to open up and engage with the community like the Bike Kitchen where I volunteer to build bikes for children.
Every performance is different either we sing for charities to raise money or to elderly people who enjoy music. One of the greatest performances was fundraising money for this teenage girl from China who loves to sing but she had Spinal Muscular Atrophy. She needed surgery so she can have a chance to live her dream to be a singer while she only has eight years to live. One night, we performed and gathered hundreds of audiences to contribute money for her operation. That night, it was a successful charity because it met our goal. After recovering from surgery, she started to follow her dreams to pursue her singing career. Although she will have SMA all her life, she said "I'll pursue my singing career until the very last minute of my life". Her story had made me realize that no matter what you want to do, nothing can stop you from pursuing your own dream. That story motivates me strive forward and continue to follow my dream. Being scare and afraid will get no where, I need to be confident and be like this teenage girl.