I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin - CommonApp activities essay

Thank you for taking the time to critique my essay!

The CommonApp short answer prompt: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin:
Echoes of the last chord of the last piece fade away, and after a moment of still, dignified silence the conductor lowers her hands and the crowd bursts into applause. Every time I play the violin with my high school's Advanced Concert Orchestra, I enjoy the rush of a successful performance all over again. Though we played curricular concerts at school and hosted one or two Viennese balls each year, the most memorable parts of my musical experience were the travel competitions. Nothing has brought my classmates and me closer together than spending several days practicing together in Orlando for Festival Disney or sightseeing before our Fiesta-Val concert in Myrtle Beach. The violin has been a symbol of dedication and teamwork for me since 5th grade, and it was through committed, consistent work by each instrumentalist that my orchestra was able to place in both out-of-state competitions.

...All constructive criticism is welcome! I'm not sure if I should revise the conclusion to sound more... concluding. :P (Side note: As it is now, the word count is 149.)

I think it would be more powerful if you could play up the teamwork and dedication aspects of the essay. As it stands, you play violin and you like applause along with the the travel and camaraderie . . . okay . . . but how has playing violin as a part of an orchestra made you a better person? By teaching you dedication, hard work, and to be a team player?

It is perfectly fine to have an essay that doesn't include strife or top-shelf awards, but it doesn't have to be sooooo ordinary either.

When I started playing the trumpet in the fourth grade, it was HORRIBLE. I think my parents were torn between wanting me to practice and wanting the peace. Maybe you could touch on your journey from a beginner to an accomplished player. Do you plan on continuing your music education? That might be another point to bring up.

You have good material - you might be able to strengthen it if you changed the structure of the essay (keep in mind, this is a suggestion, I have no idea how well it'll work).

For example, after your first sentence (which I love), make the moment from a specific event by adding a second sentence like, "My orchestra has just finished our performance at (whichever event you did best at), and even before the places are given, we know we've succeeded." Then elaborate on the teamwork that got you to that point and how much you enjoy the experience. Would something like that work?

Trust me, I know how hard it is to write an essay this short and write something significant, but I'm almost positive you are really close.

This is very good advice, Noto and Llunachick. Thanks to you both for being so consistently helpful to others. Llunachick, perhaps one day you might like to join Noto in becoming a Forum contributor.

Noto, do you still play the trumpet? If so, I've got some more musical suggestions for you.

Not very often! I volunteer to play Taps at funerals for veterans. We are losing our WWII veterans at an alarming rate. The national cemetery here has more services than they do buglers. I don't like the thought of people having to resort to recorded music for something so solemn. I didn't take band this last year in school because I needed the room in my schedule for other classes.

I play the bass guitar now and I sing a little. We have a band that does mostly covers of 60s and 70s songs. We just put on a "British Invasion" show and now we are working on a Woodstock tribute.

I'd still like suggestions though! I tend to study to jazz or classical . . . something instrumental so I don't lose myself in the lyrics.

Jazz trumpet: Freddie Hubbard, Clark Terry, Lee Morgan, Art Farmer, Don Cherry, and of course Dizzy Gillespie. Classical trumpet: Alison Balsom is flat-out brilliant. Continuing our hip hop discussion from another thread, you might like the sub-genre known as jazz hop: Digable Planets, A Tribe Called Quest, Guru. Jazz bass: Mingus.

Echoes of the last chord of the last piece fade away, and after a moment of still, dignified silence the conductor lowers her hands and the crowd bursts into applause.

change wording so it's not repetitious:
Silence settles in around me as the echos from the final chords fade away, and after a moment of still, dignified tranquility the conductor lowers her hands and the crown bursts into applause.

the sentence is just a suggestion but something along those lines would be great.

I tried to take all of your advice to heart and I rewrote the paragraph. I still feel like the conclusion is a bit shaky, but I hope this does more of the showing (v. telling). Here it is (now exactly 150 words):

Echoes of the last piece's closing chords faded away, and after a moment of still, dignified silence the conductor lowered her hands and the crowd burst into applause. We had traveled far to play at Festival Disney in Orlando, Florida, and all of our hard work finally paid off.

...

Actually, I just changed a word or two so that I didn't have that awkward "we" in the second sentence. It's still 150 words exactly:

Echoes of the last piece's closing chords faded away, and after a moment of still, dignified silence the conductor lowered her hands and the crowd burst into applause. My orchestra had traveled far to play at Festival Disney in Orlando, Florida, and all of our hard work finally paid off. For me, the violin has been a symbol of dedication since 5th grade. What makes an outstanding ensemble is committed, consistent work by each instrumentalist on his or her own time; nobody is born a virtuoso. I knew improvement would take hours of practice outside the classroom throughout the year, and I worked around sports and schoolwork to find the time. My schoolmates and I not only connected as friends, but as musicians. Every movement was an effort of precision and teamwork, and even before my orchestra discovered we had placed first, our final performance attested to our resolve.

Very nice! It has a much better feel to it now. I like the way that you touched on the teamwork and dedication aspects of being in an orchestra.

I'd make one teeny tiny change that is more of a style issue . . .


Because you already have a comma betweenOrlando and Florida, the comma joining the last part of the sentence gets lost. You could write is as: . . . Orlando, Florida; all of our . . . or Split it into two sentences: . . . Orlando, Florida. All of our hard . . .

Thanks, Notoman! I'll use the semicolon. :]