So..I'm looking for grammar errors as well as overall feedback, I'm fully willing to change the subject completely if you think it's crap...be as harsh as you like, and as specific as possible. Thanks! (:
The click of a camera shutter was a familiar sound this summer. For six weeks, I took a photography class at my school, learning how to develop film and print pictures in a darkroom while improving my photography skills. When summer school ended, I got the chance to put those photography skills to use: we went to New York, Boston, Philadelphia and Seattle to look at colleges (including NYU), and then to Idaho to spend some time in the mountains with family.
[466/500 - would it be a good idea to add something about how NYU is my top choice here, since i have extra characters?]
The first club I would join would be Amnesty International. I already have experience working with this organization; I am one of the founders of "Club Hope" at my school; we raise awareness and money to protect human rights. Last year we raised $9000 to send to AI, making us the highest-grossing high school in the Western US. I'm passionate about this cause, and plan to continue this path in college. My ultimate goal is to impact people around me, and inspire them to make a difference too.
[495/500]
The microphone sits alone on the stage. As I walk into the spotlight, "Do You Feel" by The Rocket Summer starts to play. I begin to sing:"Do you feel the weight of the world singing sorrow/or to you is this just not real?" The lyrics speak of our tendency to forget the world's problems in lieu of our own. Just as it did for me the first time I heard it, this song would hopefully move people enough for them to, in the words of Gandhi, "be the change they wish to see in the world."
[484/500]
I am applying to NYU as an undecided major, currently considering psychology and music business. I've always been interested in Psychology, and I took the AP course last year. Our minds work in amazing ways, but it was easy to understand the theories and ideas and relate them to everyday life. I would also love to be involved in the music industry. Music has been a quintessential aspect of my life for as long as I can remember. For both paths, I'm confident that NYU would be the perfect choice.
[499/500]
My mom has lots of friends. She always goes out of her way to help them, helping to prepare for a party or taking them out when they're going through hard times. Like her, I'll do anything to help out a friend. When they need a shoulder to cry on or just a friend to talk to, I'll always do my best to be there. Even when I'm having a bad day, I set my problems aside to help a friend with theirs. It's hard at times, but the feeling that you've made someone's day better is always worth the effort.
[499/500]
I think the one about your summer is fine. Since you have extra characters I guess you could mention that you visited NYU over the summer and decided it would be your top choice.
In your second statement I think you should cut down on the use of semi-colons in the second sentence. It's good that you have prior experience with that club though!
I like your third one and fourth one. Maybe in the fourth you can explain why you're going undecided though?
And in the fifth you picked a good trait! Again, maybe you can talk about a specific time? I don't know.
And good luck with NYU! I'm applying there as well.
Hi soundclash,
I think your summer essay pretty much concluded what you have done, but if you want to add something, I suggest you go for the feeling or achievement about the trip or the skill (as the ending sentence).
Your club essay sounds pretty convincing, but despite the fact, I would agree with Christine. It's kind of confusing. In the first sentence, you used 2 would, which made it sound repetitive. And I suggest you change the semicolons to periods.
And the rest of them sounds pretty good to me.
Good Luck of us that are applying to NYU!
thanks so much for the feedback!!! SUPER helpful..
Yeah -- music business or music industry is a major at some colleges, it's not common. But NYU, USC, Northeastern all have it. I'm applying to all three. haha.
I only have enough characters to add, in the first one (summer):
...look at colleges (including NYU, my top school since 8th grade), ...
does "top school" sound weird? Should I just take out the "since 8th grade" part, even though it's true?
