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College Essay: experience or achievement, Revise Needed!



Alexisuhloser 1 / -  
Nov 30, 2008   #1
-If someone could please revise it, I'd just like some help on how to make it better.

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience or achievement that has special meaning to you.

My most significant achievement has been becoming a member and earning the position of Vice President for the Best Buddies International club at John A. Ferguson Senior High school. Best Buddies is an organization dedicated to enhancing the lives of people with intellectual disabilities by providing opportunities for one-to-one friendships. Because of the opportunity that best Buddies offers, I now strive to become a better person as well as a greater leader every day of my life.

When I first heard of Best Buddies, I was touched by its sincere goal of promoting friendship and helping these people realize that they are no different from others. My first experience in Best Buddies was at a leadership conference held at the University of Miami. At this meeting a close friend asked me about the real meaning of friendship, "Imagine what it would be like to have no friends other than your parents," was the phrase that caught my attention. Through one-to-one friendships, the organization incorporates students with intellectual disabilities with the rest of the teenage population with the help of a regular student. Many of the students of the special education program spend their day with minimal to no interaction with other students outside of the program. I was sure that I wanted to be involved and become a member of Best Buddies.

Shortly after joining the club, I was paired with my buddy Victor. When I first met Victor he was very shy, yet he was so eager to be my friend. I was confident that we would have an amazing friendship, and I am happy to say that I was right. Throughout the week I meet with Victor and each day widens my perspective of what friendship really is. Sometimes, I feel as though I am the one learning and benefiting from the experience. Victor's fun loving attitude and sincerity makes me want to be a better person, not just for him, but for the community. Victor has taught more than any other friend I have ever had, just because of the way he lives his life; he does not worry about things, he is always happy, but what I admire the most of him is that he lives his life in the moment and makes the most of it.

When I was first offered the position of vice president, I was apprehensive, yet I was sure that I could handle the responsibility. I want to help others see the beauty in all people with intellectual disabilities. I want my friends to realize that to find friendship, you must see people for their abilities rather than their disabilities. I have learned so much, and I want to share that knowledge with the rest of the world. I know I will be the best person that I can be for Victor. My most significant achievement has not just been becoming the vice president of Best Buddies; it has been finding a true friendship and being a real friend to someone.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 1, 2008   #2
My most significant achievement has been becoming a member of Best Buddies International club at John A. Ferguson Senior High school and eventually earning the position of Vice President.

Victor has taught me more than any other friend I have ever had,

I only changed a couple minor things. I enjoyed the essay, nicely written ...good subject you chose!

:)


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