Hi guys can you check it? What do you think?
Any idea of how to improve it? Thanks!
I'm applying to the School of Engineering and Applied Science; my intended major is Digital Media Design/ Bioengineering. My personal commitment is to maintain excellent grades and to give the best of me in the new courses.
I'll bring my tenacity and give my best performance; I will put up the name of UPenn. I want to transfer my knowledge and experience to other students and faculties, learn from them and implement it to achieve my goals and the common objectives. I like challenges and for me UPenn is one of them, one that I want to accomplish.
I can devote myself to more than one school, combine different subjects and this adheres much more to my personality than just dedicate to a field, I'm therefore determined to perform my best.
I am (Try not to use contractions on formal essays.) applying to the School of Engineering and Applied Science with the intended major of Digital Media Design/ Bioengineering (Aren't those two separate majors?. If so, say "intended majors".) . If so My personal commitment is to maintain excellent grades and to give the best of me in the new courses.
I will bring my tenacity and give my best performance; I will put up the name of UPenn. I want to share my knowledge and experiences with other students and the faculty , learn from them, and implement my knowledge to achieve my goals and the common objectives (Common objective of who or what?) . I like challenges and for me UPenn is one of them, one that I want to overcome and excel in (One does not accomplish a challenge.) .
I will devote myself to more than one of UPenn's school to unite different fields . This adheres more to my personality than just dedication to a single field. I am therefore determined to excel (It is better to excel then to simply do one's best because one's best may not always be THE best.) .
Your answer is vague. I suggest being specific by looking up programs in your field and specific courses and to that add what you will bring to them.
That's a good suggestion. OP, you should specify how you will work with your peers and the faculty and how you will contribute to them. Perhaps you would create a club that somehow unifies bioengineering and Digital Media Design? How exactly, I have no idea and I'm sure the Adcoms will have no idea either. Tell them what you intend to do with these very different fields.
Thank you, I made the corrections.
Yes they are two separated majors but If I'm not admitted in Digital Media Design, UPenn asks me to choose another major, so that's why I put both.
I added this, what do you think? I know the fields are so different, just like me haha :) (PS I'm not a native speaker so my ideas and how I translate them are kind of odd)
I will devote myself to more than one of UPenn's school to unite different fields. History has always been one of my passions; therefore I intend to combine it with my intended majors for example restore a mummy's face or found and DNA sequence of a disappeared King and relate it to one part of the history.
I wish to learn and explore more and put it into practice in order to create new things. This adheres more to my personality than just dedication to a single field. I am therefore determined to perform my best.
That's better. It's more specific and gives examples. Best of luck!
