Common App Short Answer: Elaborate on one of your activities; kendo

Hi,
Please comment on my common app short answer. Your help in this busy time will be greatly appreciated!!!

I peer into my opponent's eyes through the metal bars of my armor. The world becomes silent. My grip on my bamboo sword tightens-I am ready. With a daring scream, I charge.

Apart from regularly attending my school kendo club, I also used to train at a kendo academy outside school. Twice a week, I would put on my armor and duel with other senior members. They were mostly males, all tall and skilled. Compared to them, I was an amateur. However, when I encountered them in our duels, I discarded mundane concerns. Instead, I focused on my target. My body and mind were directed towards a single purpose. My opponent was my goal, and I was going to give everything I had in this moment to strike and win. The art of concentration was what I learnt in this seemingly reckless exercise. It needs courage and determination to overcome fears and focus on a risky goal. And I had them.

Thanks for your help on my short answer.

Is 'a daring scream' the best description? In what way is the scream 'daring'? Perhaps something describing your state of mind more. You might even have a more effective opening without this attack sentence.

Otherwise, a really good short answer, with excellent confidence at the end. I really cannot find any other faults.

Apart from regularly attending my school 's kendo club, I also used to train at a kendo academy outside school. (I added an apostrophe and an s, because I think it flows a little better that way...)

Courage and determination are necessary for overcoming fears and focus on a risky goal -- and I had them.

:-)

The art of concentration was what I learned in this seemingly reckless exercise. It needs courage and determination to overcome fears and focus on a risky goal. And I had them.