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"My Haven" - Common application essay



neoreader 4 / 6  
Oct 31, 2010   #1
Topic of your choice.

I walk into the gym, and suddenly I'm struck with a sudden sense of belonging. My head lifts, my shoulders straighten, and I feel ten feet tall. I pick up a basketball, letting my fingers glide over the leather pebbling, and bounce it once experimentally. As the ball returns to my hands- faithful, as always -I try to swallow the lump forming in my throat. Fourteen years of my life have been devoted to this sport; now I only have one season left.

To say what basketball means to me would take a thousand pages. Its more than just a game, more than a way to learn teamwork or how to handle competition. Basketball is <i>freeing.</i> With that ball in my hands, I'm able to just forget. To revert to my most basic instincts. There is no stress, only the smooth rhythm of moving into a well practiced shooting position. I don't have time to worry about anything when I'm on that court- every decision must be split-second. When you're in mid-air, trying to maneuver your body enough to get around an opponent while switching the ball from one hand to the other, you have to trust your instincts. It's a release- an escape from stressful life into a world where you're not judged based on appearance or intelligence, but heart.

I regard the basketball in my hands nostalgically. The little sphere of rubber and air that taught me about teamwork, friendship, hard work, and so much more. Looking up at the orange hoop, I resolve that this season won't mean the end. I don't need a uniform to be a basketball player. Twenty years from now, when I'm stressed out or just need a break, I'll still have a ball in my hands.

The Greek Gods found their haven in Olympus; I found mine on a long, wooden court.

swimmer400 4 / 10  
Nov 1, 2010   #2
This is an amazing essay. I only have some grammatical pointers.

"and suddenly I'm struck with a sudden sense of belonging" Here the repetition of sudden is redundant.

I would get rid of the contractions such as you're and I am. Also, in "as the ball returns to my hands- faithful, as always -I try to swallow the lump forming in my throat," the faithful should be faithfully since it is an adverb.
Super 1 / 10  
Nov 2, 2010   #3
Hello,

This is awesome. I really love the way you expressed every moments in court. However, it is a pity that it's a bit too short for a common application essay.

However, there is of course room for improvement.
Firstly, since you're writing a topic of your choice, and you have actually projected the significance basketball game to you, i still feel that it's insufficient. Saying that you love basketball very much with many descriptions may not give enough information about you. How did you first learn or love the sports? Did you find any difficulties when you were practicing? You did mention about the values such as teamwork, friendship and hardwork. Please elaborate on them. How have they shaped your love toward basketball, or characters that could be applicable in your daily life? Personally, I always believe that sportsmanship inculcates most life-values that one could ever achieve. It'll be great if you could touch a bit on them.

Besides, after saying what you have learnt, it would be great to say how you could make contributions with your love for Basketball. I am sure the officer would like to not only know your skills and passion, but also in your future contributions to the college. It'll be a bonus point if you could point out how else you're going to contribute other than playing basketball for the college.

I guess if you work on the aforementioned points, your essay will be an extraordinary one. Keep on reviewing your essay.
Good luck.


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