Notes:
Hey guys! I wrote about how dancing has influenced and shaped me.
1) I wonder if my opening story is too long and irrelevant to my main theme.
2) Is my language too abstract?
3)please help me with my grammar! I'm an international student so grammar is a great headache to me!>.<
4) the essay is a little above the words limit. Please tell me if you fell some sentences or parts are unnecessary.
Your opinion counts!!
Thanks~~~
Here's my essay:
I will never forget that sun-drenched afternoon. It was my first dancing class. I was only 4 years old then, too short to even reach the balancing bar. But Mrs. Feng must have noticed me, the youngest girl who managed to perform every gesture well right after her demonstration, yet, not smiling. She called the stop to a dance, and said we would practice smiling first. Big smiles on every girl's face blossomed, with corners of the mouth stretching to the cheeks. Mrs. Feng then raised her voice and announced to the whole class:"Yanting smiles the best!" Yet, I was not smiling at all! In great astonishement I raised my eyes, meeting those of Mrs. Feng, full with encouragement. Hesitantly, I saw into the mirror, and found the girl in it looking back at me with the most beautiful smile.
Apparently, contagious smile and so-called talents quickly made me the leading dancer of the whole class. But Mrs. Feng gave me more than that. She gave me the confidence, the very essence of dancing. And most of all, she showed me the wonder of dancing. Sometimes I was surprised at the extent dancing has shaped my characters in unconscious ways.
Countless times in the following ten years, I would stand in the same sun-drenched dance room practicing. I keenly perceived the hidden subtleties of the dance, and threw it to my intuition and imagination. Dance gives me insights and sensibilities into people's thoughts and emotions, which makes me compassionate toward surroundings.
I understand other people's joy and sorrow, which makes them comfortable confiding secrets to me; I regularly volunteer in the Animal Rescue Center, caring for the homeless or abused animals; I empathize with people in suffering and gave passionate speech on woman rights in NAIMUN; And most recently, I accidentally saw a documentary on CCTV about how children in mountain of Ziyang County, Shaanxi, China, walk on the 20 miles slippery and steepy roads to the only school in their village, from dark to dawn, holding torches in their hands. The scene of faint torchlight glittering in the pitch-black winter morning made me unsettled, driving me to successfully hold a volunteer camp there in the last summer. Dancing makes me a rich person.
I enjoy every part of dance, even the pain. I didn't find the "click-crack" of bones and pain as something unbearable. In fact, I find peace in it, and satisfaction. It's like an old friend greeting me in a familiar way, and I have incorporated her as an integral part of mine. It's a tricky balance that requires self-control and tenacity, but I inherit it as a great virtue of mine.
Such pain exists in my life as well, realizing unconquerable, I accept it and tame it as prelude to something beautiful. My parents are something despite their shared obstinate and reserved, which too often bring their quarrels irreconcilable. I'm suffocated by their tension and want to escape, but the tenacity I've gained from dance hold me back and compel me to tackle the problem head on. Whenever they act like children and both refused to compromise, I serve as their meditator and bond them together. It cheers me to see them reconcile and hear the chuckles fill the house as before.
To Mrs. Feng I should give my forever gratitude. It was she who picked up the little girl's hand, and led her to magical world of dancing. It was she that let me realize that, there's no boundry between dancing and life.
Hey guys! I wrote about how dancing has influenced and shaped me.
1) I wonder if my opening story is too long and irrelevant to my main theme.
2) Is my language too abstract?
3)please help me with my grammar! I'm an international student so grammar is a great headache to me!>.<
4) the essay is a little above the words limit. Please tell me if you fell some sentences or parts are unnecessary.
Your opinion counts!!
Thanks~~~
Here's my essay:
I will never forget that sun-drenched afternoon. It was my first dancing class. I was only 4 years old then, too short to even reach the balancing bar. But Mrs. Feng must have noticed me, the youngest girl who managed to perform every gesture well right after her demonstration, yet, not smiling. She called the stop to a dance, and said we would practice smiling first. Big smiles on every girl's face blossomed, with corners of the mouth stretching to the cheeks. Mrs. Feng then raised her voice and announced to the whole class:"Yanting smiles the best!" Yet, I was not smiling at all! In great astonishement I raised my eyes, meeting those of Mrs. Feng, full with encouragement. Hesitantly, I saw into the mirror, and found the girl in it looking back at me with the most beautiful smile.
Apparently, contagious smile and so-called talents quickly made me the leading dancer of the whole class. But Mrs. Feng gave me more than that. She gave me the confidence, the very essence of dancing. And most of all, she showed me the wonder of dancing. Sometimes I was surprised at the extent dancing has shaped my characters in unconscious ways.
Countless times in the following ten years, I would stand in the same sun-drenched dance room practicing. I keenly perceived the hidden subtleties of the dance, and threw it to my intuition and imagination. Dance gives me insights and sensibilities into people's thoughts and emotions, which makes me compassionate toward surroundings.
I understand other people's joy and sorrow, which makes them comfortable confiding secrets to me; I regularly volunteer in the Animal Rescue Center, caring for the homeless or abused animals; I empathize with people in suffering and gave passionate speech on woman rights in NAIMUN; And most recently, I accidentally saw a documentary on CCTV about how children in mountain of Ziyang County, Shaanxi, China, walk on the 20 miles slippery and steepy roads to the only school in their village, from dark to dawn, holding torches in their hands. The scene of faint torchlight glittering in the pitch-black winter morning made me unsettled, driving me to successfully hold a volunteer camp there in the last summer. Dancing makes me a rich person.
I enjoy every part of dance, even the pain. I didn't find the "click-crack" of bones and pain as something unbearable. In fact, I find peace in it, and satisfaction. It's like an old friend greeting me in a familiar way, and I have incorporated her as an integral part of mine. It's a tricky balance that requires self-control and tenacity, but I inherit it as a great virtue of mine.
Such pain exists in my life as well, realizing unconquerable, I accept it and tame it as prelude to something beautiful. My parents are something despite their shared obstinate and reserved, which too often bring their quarrels irreconcilable. I'm suffocated by their tension and want to escape, but the tenacity I've gained from dance hold me back and compel me to tackle the problem head on. Whenever they act like children and both refused to compromise, I serve as their meditator and bond them together. It cheers me to see them reconcile and hear the chuckles fill the house as before.
To Mrs. Feng I should give my forever gratitude. It was she who picked up the little girl's hand, and led her to magical world of dancing. It was she that let me realize that, there's no boundry between dancing and life.
