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Essay for Common Application Short Answer - Dance - Feedback

vnsoct 1 / 2  
Dec 21, 2009   #1
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

She stood nervously, although the juries smiled at her. Looking past the judges, she found a five-year-old girl with tutu staring back from the mirror. Taking a deep breath, she nodded. She was ready. Closing her eyes, the music began to spur her into action.

It was me, at my first ballet test. Initially I was tense, but when the music played, I realized: I loved dancing. Dancing brought me to a different world - the world of freedom.

I have always been an exuberant girl who could not stand a minute without fidgeting. I tend to be restless - in the good way. Thus, dancing became my favorite activity; not only ballet, but also hip-hop, contemporary, and even traditional dance. Dancing makes my world vibrant - the best way I found to relax from the tedious lessons at school.

"There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them" (Vicki Baum)
lilgangwolf 5 / 13  
Dec 21, 2009   #2
er, i think you need to work on the flow of the paragraphs,
right now, it seems each paragraph is cut off from each other.
ginny2345 12 / 22  
Dec 21, 2009   #3
i think this is a very wonderful essay,
i just have a few things to correct:
she found a five year old girl with a tutu
when the music started to play : i think it fits better with the sentence.
good luck
OP vnsoct 1 / 2  
Dec 21, 2009   #4
Thank you for the comments. Could anyone help me to improve the flow?? Because the word limit is 150, and this essay is exactly 150 words (before any changes).
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 23, 2009   #5
I can't remember anything from when I was fie! I wonder if you could do something better with this... instead of flashing back to the first ballet test, you should write something very intellectual and philosophical. It looks like you are off to a good start.

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