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Common Application - Election Speech



macca 3 / 14  
Sep 19, 2009   #1
I wonder whether the content is a right message to convey... Is this too childish? Comments are appreciated :) Thank you!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you

During my junior year in [Insert Name] Junior High School, I was nominated to be the Chairman of the school's Student Council. It was not a surprise, as for the last twelve months, I held the highest position possible for a freshman, second secretary. I had received a lot of support from fellow students, including my seniors in Student Council. Many of them said that I should not worry, because, in their words, there was no chance for me to lose. My friends' beliefs encouraged me to try my best in this election.

In the final public speaking campaign, I was scheduled to be the last person to talk. I sat on the stage side as I listened to other nominees' speeches while practicing mine silently. The first, second and third nominee did not distract my own contemplation. The fourth candidate's speech, like three speeches before hers, was followed by a polite applause. However, a dozen upperclassmen suddenly started to cheer the fourth nominee's name enthusiastically, even singing loudly to support her. Then they convinced their classmates to join their cheering. I was dazed. Four of those upperclassmen were the same people who declared their vote for me days earlier - people who said that I would surely win. People whom I respected, people who I thought supported me.

Why? I asked myself silently. Why do they turn their back on me? As I walked to the podium, I fought hard the sadness and the will to ask those upperclassmen what I had done wrong. In a second, I questioned my own worth. I took a deep breath and glanced around the room, trying to look at my audience's eyes. I saw those upperclassmen turned to avoid my glance. As I looked at the other side, however, I met others' smiling face that encouraged me. My mind wandered to what I had done in the Council before. I worked together well with my peers. I made my reports on time and helped my compatriots in doing theirs. I led meetings and my upperclassmen listened and respected me. I pulled off a badminton competition with a week of planning and every event that I led received a positive evaluation from both teachers and students. I am capable. In seconds, I regained control and confidence of myself.

"My name is [Insert Name]," I spoke. "I believe I am the best candidate to lead [Insert Name] Junior High School in the next twelve months."

My tight grip on the lectern loosened up as I continued my speech. After the first minute, I had become myself, doing something that I love: public speaking. I enjoyed applauses between my speech and people's eyes that encouraged me. When I finished my speech, I could not be more satisfied about my performance.

Thirty minutes later, I was elected the Chairman of [Insert Name] Junior High School's Student Council.

I felt content - the disappointed feeling I had minutes earlier did not bug me anymore. The short time between the seniors' cheering and my speech somehow pushed my self-esteem to drown my doubtful side. Confidence should not come from the outside, but from the inside, and I had earned that inner confidence. I realized that this incident prepared me to be a leader. A leader seldom could make a decision that satisfied everyone; for every decision, there would be pros and cons. Other people's negative comments did not draw me back; they became merely suggestions I considered when I made my own decision in an objective way. At the end of the day, I became a tougher person in trusting my own judgment. I am thankful that this 'little incident' happened.

EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Sep 19, 2009   #2
At the end of the day, I became a tougher person in trusting my own judgment.

I'm not sure how the incident led to that conclusion. You had trusted those upperclassmen and been wrong. So, how did lead you to trust your judgment? I can see how it would lead to improved self-confidence and a feeling of self-efficacy, but I cannot see how it led you to feel more trusting of your judgment.

In any event, this is a well-written narrative. I'm undecided on the question of whether this incident, which happened back in junior high school, is too "childish." I wonder what other forum members and contributors think about that.

I do know that you should avoid out-of-date slang phrases like "bug" for "bother." Also, "applause" is always singular.
OP macca 3 / 14  
Sep 20, 2009   #3
thanks, Simone! I have made small revisions on the conclusion:

I felt content - the disappointed feeling I had minutes earlier did not bother me anymore. The short time between the seniors' cheering and my speech somehow pushed my self-esteem to drown my doubtful side. Confidence should not come from the outside, but from the inside, and I had earned that inner confidence. I realized that this incident prepared me to be a leader. A leader seldom could make a decision that satisfied everyone; for every decision, there would be pros and cons. I learned to take other people's negative comments as suggestions I considered when I made my own decision in an objective way. I did not let those comments drawn me back. I am thankful that this 'little incident' happened.

I wait for other comments whether this is childish. I welcome constructive criticisms :)
jemma2011 4 / 19  
Sep 24, 2009   #4
This is what I mean how the conclusion for the other essay should be. Although, I do recommend to change the last sentence or just add another one with more pizazz.

I saw those upperclassmen turned to avoid my glance.

Maybe it could go, The upperclassmen avoided eye contact.

I met others' smilingfaces that encouraged me.

Otherwise, it is a very good and engaging essay. I just feel with the right power conclusion, it could make this essay amazing :)

P.S: I know that the whole Junior High Scenario maybe a wee bit childish. However, I think that just because is in Junior High, it does not make the scenario any less difficult or unimportant. I actually think that if anything it will portray as a mature girl who stood her own at such a young age. So I don't see how can it be looked negatively.


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